I'm not the one who cries over everything, or I try not to.  I like to hide my emotions and pretend I'm strong.  Strong people don't cry, right?  Wrong.

"Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me."  Wrong again.  Words won't ever hurt me?  My best friend's father said some hurtful things about me, and I'm having a hard time staying strong.  It's not just the words he said, though.  It's his thoughts.  It's what he thinks of me.

He judged me, without even getting to know me first. It started when I was invited by my friend to dinner.  Before dinner even started, I noticed her father being stand-offish toward me.  He never welcomed me or said one word to me until we were about to eat.  

"Emily, you and your daughter can sit here."  By "here" he meant to sit in a corner away from everybody, except close enough to where they were looking at our backs in the corner. People mentioned how they could make room for us, but her dad made sure that didn't happen.

I was so embarrassed.  Humiliated was more like it.  I wanted so badly to get up, grab my daughter, and walk out.  I felt like a burden and unwelcome.  It was hard to understand why he would do that.  I had been so respectful.  I kept trying to think of reasons why he would treat us that way.  What did I do?  Then I found out.

When he learned a good friend of their family had asked me out, he told his family: "She's a single mom, had two kids, lives with her parents, can't take care of herself, and is very irresponsible.  The only good thing she's ever done in her life is adopt her son out instead of getting an abortion.  She doesn't deserve a good guy."

At first, I played it cool when I heard this.  I laughed, and talked about what a jerk he was.  Remember, "I'm strong." I don't like to show that I'm hurt.  I grabbed my things and went to work, but all I kept doing was reading into everything he said.  My mind was racing with thoughts: "I don't deserve David.  I'm a horrible person. I don't deserve to be happy.  I'm irresponsible and not good for anything."

I hate the mistakes I've made in my life.  Sometimes I can't even stand myself because of them.  I'm trying my best to learn from those mistakes and grow from them. Doesn't he think I want to be a respectful, mature,  loving mother and person?  I'm trying really hard, and just when I think I'm making progress, I hear comments like this.  It makes me wonder if I can ever overcome my past.  

I wish I can tell him how I'm not the girl he thinks I am.  My past has helped make me the girl I am today: a wiser, more compassionate, and stronger one.  One who is strong enough to keep trying, and strong enough to forgive him for not allowing me to eat at his table.  Maybe one day I'll have enough guts to tell him these things. Maybe one day he'll be able to look at me and see the person I am today, not the person I was in my past. Maybe one day I'll finally be able to forget about it all.

 


Comments

08/09/2013 4:16pm

Wow! You are becoming a strong person to forgive this person for the way he has acted towards you. You stay strong and respectful and remember to treat others as you, yourself, want to be treated. This person doesn't deserve to be in your thoughts; you are the better person. Keep up the good work, Emily!

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Barbara Couch
08/09/2013 9:03pm

Oh, Emily...you made me cry. I don't know you well, but I know you are becoming one strong young lady. Don't let anyone you tell you anything different.

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Dee
08/10/2013 7:14am

Good for you Emily! Hang in there and don't let anyone make you feel bad. You are growing, you've learned a lot. I admire the fact that you let your son have the home you couldn't provide at the time. It is a very unselfish thing to do. You love him and he'll always love you for it.

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Emily Krueger
08/10/2013 9:19pm

Thanks, ladies!! :) That really means a lot. After all the support I recieved from this blog, I feel 10 times better! :)

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