It's been a long week at the hospital.  Waiting.  Worrying.  Wanting.  And I have to admit, I'm tired of being here again.

This "pick yourself up by the bootstraps and keep going" girl is weary.  So I'm just sitting here, waiting and letting my thoughts turn to those of you who are stuck in the hospital and are weary, too.  And I send you my blessings.

Blessings...

To you, the one who is hurting and hoping for healing.

To  you, the one who is pacing in the hallway and pouring your heart out to God for a miracle.

To  you, the one who is sitting by the bedside, spending long hours in an uncomfortable chair so you can comfort another.

To you, the one bringing flowers... and prayers... and smiles... and hugs... and snacks...and words of hope.

This is my deepest, heart-felt wish for you:

May you keep the faith and find the strength to conquer the battle. 

Can I be real with you?  I looked at Facebook today and a small part of me wanted to cry.  Things have been really hard lately, and my fragile heart could hardly look at all those posts.

Look at how much fun they're having.
She has so many friends.
Everyone likes what he has to say.

A part of me drooped with sadness.

I imagine we all have times when we look at the lives of others scrolling down our screens and feel like they are doing things so much better.  Times that make it easy to feel like we've failed somehow and our lives will never be as great.

It's a huge mistake to think the whole of our lives can be determined by Facebook's three small buttons. Life doesn't need "likes,"  "shares," or "comments" to be meaningful.

In fact, some of the most meaningful moments in our lives seldom get displayed.

The sacrifices and persevering.
The learning from mistakes.
The little heroic moments that go unnoticed.

Facebook is limited in its ability to show the fullness of our lives. 

We should never doubt the quality of our lives. Life doesn't need "likes" to be meaningful.

People loved Robin Williams.  After his death this week, there were hundreds of people talking about how talented he was, how caring he had been, and how much they loved him.  Everyone tried to make sense of it, and they wondered....

Why didn't he feel their love?
Why didn't he see how important he was to people?
Why didn't he realize he had friends who would help him?

Those of us who have been touched by depression know the answers to these questions don't make sense.   Depression can make someone feel worthless, even when they have no reason to feel that way. It can make them feel unloved, even when they aren't.  

It's sad to think that Robin died feeling things were hopeless, when they really weren't.  It's even sadder to think that few of us could see the pain he was hiding behind the laughter and jokes. 

We've all done it, though, haven't we?  Pushed our struggles down inside and hidden them with a smile so others can't tell we're hurting?  The danger in doing this is having people miss the chance to reach out to us when we really need it. How sad it is when people miss that chance.

Robin's death challenges me to start asking, "Who needs me today?"

Who needs my smile?
Who needs me to tell them, "Hey, I'm glad to see you."
Who needs me to sit by them?

It may not always be the person I'm expecting.  It may be the person smiling across from me. It may just be you. Whoever it is, I hope I don't miss the chance.

Magical things happen in the darkness, but we seldom see it when we're hurting.

 Maybe it's because things happen in the dark that bump up against our tender spots and make the tears flow easily.

The pain causes us to focus on what we lack...
Not enough love.
Not enough strength.
Not enough talent.
Not enough money.
Not enough beauty.
Not enough support.

We build walls and cocoons around ourselves, afraid of the future....afraid to press on....afraid to hurt.

We don't realize that with the light comes the realization that we had what we needed all along.

And we'll be changed.

We'll emerge from our darkness with new dreams.
New compassion.
New endurance.
New awareness of the good things in life.

We'll emerge from the darkness with a stirring inside us, a stirring to tell others that there is a peace on the other side that's worth fighting for. We'll tell them:

Don't give up.
Don't ever give up.
Don't ever stop trying.
Even if you feel like life will be dark forever, it won't. Good things are waiting.
Press on the best you can, and never, ever give up.

The stores are filling up with school supplies, and I'm jazzed.  I love the feel of writing with newly sharpened pencils.  Lame, I know, but I've always been lame when it comes to using new things.

As much as I love the thought of new school supplies, I dread the thought of going back to school more.  Going back to the drama.  Back to the stress.  Ugh!

That's why I've decided that along with my notebooks and pencils, I'm also going to be taking some resolve.

Resolve is a fierce determination to do something, and it's just what I need to get me through the rough stuff.  I'm determined...

     to not be sucked into the drama.
     to not let gossip get to me.
     to find the positive in situations, even if it feels like there isn't any.

I want to have a good year, and I'm determined to make that happen. I will make it happen.

So be prepared.

     If you're trying to jerk me around, guess what?  I'm going to walk away from you.
     If you're gossiping around me, too bad!  I'm telling you I don't want to talk about it.
     If things start going badly for me, oh well!  I'm going to find some way to enjoy my day no matter what.

I'm not going to let my outside situations determine my inside happiness any more.