Have you ever felt like you don't know what's going on anymore? Like you don't care about anything anymore? You have that feeling of emptiness, and the feeling that no one is there for you? No one understands you anymore?

Yeah, I get these feelings too. It seems as though it's the end of the world. No one is there for you. No one cares. You don’t care.  Your only friend is your bed and your favorite blanket. 

This is a first look into the mind of a person struggling with the monster of depression. This monster is something that can only be described by someone who has it. Imagine a little devil on your shoulder constantly whispering evil things to you.

 “Hey you, yeah you, no one cares about you.  They’d be better off if you were dead."
" Hey you,  you are fat and stupid with absolutely no future ahead of you. "
 "Hey you, I'm here for you, though." 

Sick and twisted right? Oh, that's only the beginning. This monster begins as a little devil on your shoulder, but  gets bigger with every ounce of despair you feed it. It's like a little baby getting nourished on your negative feelings. It tires you out having something constantly on your back, weighing you down. 

 “Hey you, yeah you, you’re so messy you’re never going to be able to clean your room or do what your parents tell you."
" Hey you, your grandpa just died? Too bad you weren’t there because you were listening to me this whole time.” 
 
You think you want to die, but in reality, you just want to be saved. You put on a fake smile and pretend it doesn't hurt, but it does. It destroys you. It gets to the point where the smallest thing someone says goes straight to your head. While you're in bed, you over-think.  Over-thinking ruins you. Ruins the situation, twists things around, makes you worry and just makes everything worse than it actually is. 

 Some days your monster will be on your back and make you not want to go to school and just curl up in a ball on your bed, but that's okay. It's okay to feel sad sometimes. But when it gets to the point that it's occurring every day, you need to tell the monster to get the hell away from you. Go shopping, read, or go for a walk. Do what makes YOU happy so you can forget about the monster. If you are having trouble with this, I need you to focus on my own eight keys for living a happier life: 

1. Make peace with your past so it wont screw up the present.
2. What others think of you is none of your business. 
3. Time heals almost everything, give it time. 
4. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
5. Stop thinking to much. 
6. It's all right to not know the answers. They will come to you when you least expect it 
7. No one is in charge of your happiness except you. 
8. The monster is only in a small portion of your head, not your heart. 

 
 If you live by these eight things you can do anything you set your heart and mind to. This monster shouldn't take up your whole lifetime, only a small portion. DO NOT LET IT WIN. If you do, then you didn't do everything you could.  And if you do fight and win, I congratulate you, and I hope to be as strong as you someday. My battle may have started a long time ago, but I still have a lot more fighting to do. You are my inspiration, and I will defeat this monster so I can be as happy as you someday. 

Sometimes things happen in life that are so awful, you feel like you've been punched in the stomach.

To learn that you've lost someone, a good friend, an amazing person, to suicide, well, it's one of the most terrifying, overwhelming, and worst feelings in the world. 


My teacher reads a sterile notification about my friend's suicide the night before in her dull, uncaring voice, and it's as if my entire world has come crashing down on top of me.

Shock comes first. Numbness. It wasn't expected. There were no signs, clues, or indications that this could even be a possibility. How could this have happened? She seemed so happy. She was always glad to see me. No matter what, when she saw me in the hallway, she'd smile. She never expressed great sadness, or revealed that she had any struggles in her life.

I'm overwhelmed with emotions. Pain. Depression. Sadness. Anger. Grief. Blame. Guilt. Disbelief. Regret.

I could have helped her. I could have stopped this. If I had only known, this could have been avoided. I should have realized that she was unhappy with her life. I should have been there for her.

I'm never going to see her again.

I should have told her I loved her when I had the chance. I should have let her know that I truly care about her.

I can't believe she's really gone.

I don't want her to be really gone.

I miss her already. I miss her voice. I miss her smile, her laughter. I miss her confidence. I miss her friendship. I miss her.

Did she know? Did she know how many people love her? I look around the room I'm not the only one crying. I'm not the only one who was affected by her death. The heartache written all over my peers' faces proves that I'm not the only one broken by this.

Was she thinking of me in her last seconds here? Was she thinking how much it would hurt me? How much it would hurt any of us?

She couldn't have been. She couldn't have known. She wasn't a mean person. She wouldn't try to hurt those who care about her. She must have believed that she was truly alone.

The truth is that nobody is truly alone. We all believe that at sometimes. We get lonely. We think nobody loves us. Nobody cares. It's all hopeless. If we just ceased to exist, the rest of the world will be better off. Nobody would bat an eye. Nobody would notice.

To those who feel that hopeless, that lost, that sad, that lonely, all the time¦ Death isn't the only option. It might seem that way. It might seem the easiest. There's so much agony in the world, especially emotionally, that's it's hard to deal with. It's overwhelming.

But the worst thing to do is to not let anyone know of your misery. Because people do care about you.

Hard.  

It's not a word you'd expect to use when describing holiday get-togethers, but that's how it is for people with depression.

While the rest of us are busy planning joyous occasions, our family member is just trying to survive the struggles of their illness.

With our expectations for loved ones being so high at these times, we can forget how important it is to support each other. We can forget how our loved one is struggling to survive daily life. And as soon as we forget these things, it’s much easier for thoughts of judgement to creep in.

We question why they don't want to participate, or why they separate themselves from the rest of the family.  We grumble when they don't get as excited as we think they should.  We get upset when they don't respond well to our lectures of advice.

And we forget  just how hard these times are for our ill loved one. 

So, I was wondering if we might all make a little promise today. A promise to support one another and not judge each other.  Ever.  Even when we act differently.  Even when we are so depressed we don't handle family gatherings well. 

Would you give us the benefit of the doubt? Can you just assume it’s a bad time for us, and it isn’t an indication of  how we feel about you? And then we'll give you the benefit of the doubt when you go through a hard time.

Instead of judging you, we will love you. We will let you know we are there for you.

And maybe you can do the same for us.

You are hurting.
You are tired.
You're searching for peace.

How dare he remember it that way! 

My thoughts were fuming.  He said I gave him a nasty look.  Doesn't he remember what he did?  How selfish he was? How his actions were hurting all of us? 

Just thinking about the incident filled me with an overwhelming sense of fury.  And there it was.  That monster inside me that roars his ugly head whenever I get upset or extremely hurt.  I have a hard time controlling him.

I overreact.


I lash out.


I say hurtful things.

I hate the part of me that reacts in this way.  At the time it seems my feelings of anger and resentment are justified. In the end, however,  I find they’re hurtful and destructive.

Now I have to experience the consequences of my attitude in the above situation.

 I have an overwhelming sense of regret. 

Regardless of how betrayed I felt, I know I should have controlled my monster reaction.  

I can't take back what happened, but I can make amends.  I can reach out and ask for forgiveness.  I can humble myself and admit it was wrong to be so nasty.  I can choose to overlook the offense.  It won't be easy.

We have choices when we’re offended. We can surrender to the monster inside us or we can try to tame him. I want to tame mine.  I'm tired of the problems he causes in my life.  It's time for him to go.