I have a confession to make. In five months I’ll be thirty and my life is nowhere near what I had imagined it to be. Of course I imagined something like the all-American Dream: being successful, getting married, and owning a house. But here I am - not married and sadly living in a wallet-draining apartment. I'm not trying to be negative, I'm just stating facts.

In the last year of my twenties, I’ve wasted countless days listening to the harassment of negative thoughts and allowing them to continue to haunt me and ruin my every day.

"He won't marry me."
"I am not worthy."
"I am not successful."
"I will never graduate from college."
" I am not smart enough."
" I will never make enough money to own my own home."
" I AM JUST NOT good enough to successfully complete such dreams."

Yes, I have spent the last year of my twenties battling these thoughts EVERY SINGLE DAY. These thoughts have done nothing for me besides keep me from successfully fulfilling my dreams, so much so, that I haven’t been to school in the last 6 months and I’ve reconsidered why I am even going to school. I've lost touch with the hope of getting married and owning a home. I've settled for just the idea of living in an apartment for the rest of my life.

Worst of all, I've stopped seeing the beauty in life and enjoying how little things such as sunshine, rainbows, and flowers can be so big and exciting to someone like my daughter. Why am I not optimistic like my 9 year old child? When this little sweetie had a really bad cold and couldn’t smell or taste anything, she said to me with eyes full of tears, “Mom, I can’t even smell the flowers!”

Why can’t I be like that? It's not like my daughter doesn't have difficulties in her life.  She has some real challenges to overcome.  But she doesn't focus on those things. She focuses on the good in her life. Imagine, what it would be like if we lived our lives like she does, and our worst worry was not being able to smell the flowers or enjoy sunshine and rainbows? 

Soon enough I’ll be turning 30, and today I am saying NO and refusing to waste another day listening to my negative thoughts. My life story may be written a little differently than others, but I won't let it stop me from continuing to pursue my dreams. It may take a little longer, I may not be where I dreamed I'd be by now, but I am still continuing its course. I won't give up. I'm choosing to focus on the good.

What about you? I know you don't want to waste another day spinning in negativity. You, too, can change your thinking. I dare you to make a change. Say NO to those negative thoughts. Say YES to being optimistic. And tomorrow... how about we both wake up and smell some flowers.?

People think depression is sadness.  People think that depression is dressing in black.  People think that it is all in your head.  But I am here to say to all of these people that they are wrong.  

Depression is much more than that.  It goes way deeper— to drowning in your own tears— to waking up in the morning— to wanting to go back to bed and never wake back up again.  It is always more than you think.

​#depression, #sadness, #deeper

​What makes depression such a dangerous thing?  It makes you look totally normal on the outside, while it's creating havoc for you on the inside.

Even with depression, you look like everyone else. When you're having a good day, it's hard for the rest of us to tell you are struggling.  You can smile, laugh, and joke just like us; but inside your internal dialogue and view of the world is the not the same.  Inside, dark and oppressive thoughts surround and dampen your feelings of happiness, but all we see is the outside mask.

Often when we offer our help, you don't tell us everything.  You hold things back, worried to become vulnerable...worried we'll see the tangled mess inside of you and judge.

And that's what makes depression so dangerous. We know the dark place depression can take you, but we can't tell when you're headed down that path; so sometimes we aren't there when you need us the most.

Remember this when you find yourself spiraling down that dark road: We care and we want to help in any way we can.   Tell us in some form how you are feeling.  Wear a bracelet. (We have some available on our website.)  Send a text or an email.  Find a way to tell us, so we can help protect you from the lies of depression.  A bad day doesn't mean a bad life.

Pixar’s Inside Out is a phenomenal movie that touches the heart of every age. The movie follows the story of a young girl named Riley and her emotions that help her cope with every day life (Joy, Anger, Disgust, Fear, and Sadness). It is a great movie that portrays how our emotions drive our life. In a manner that is funny, and easy to understand for kids, yet at the same time very insightful for adults, Inside Out touches upon the real pain that sadness can have on our life.

Pixar has truly hit home on how sadness can overcome someone so quickly, and how hard it can be for others to truly understand a deeper level of sadness. Though it is not labeled as a movie about depression, nor should it, it is a truly remarkable interpretation and portrayal on how those who are struggling with deep sadness and hurt can get to such a low place. Remarkable. Well-done Pixar for opening the door to these conversations, especially to a family audience- where these messages are so important to communicate.  

Fairytale endings.

Isn't that what every girl hopes for?  You meet a guy and....click! Everything works.  He's fun.  He's attentive.  He's considerate.  He tells you he loves everything about you.

Until one day he doesn't.

In one awful moment, your fairytale ending gets shattered in as many pieces as your heart.  The broken shards pierce and hurt.

I had something terrible happen last week, and I found myself sinking in a pool of hurt.

I tried to heal the wound, but I couldn't.

Helpful people said things like:
        Just get over it.
        Make a new start.
        Try not to think about it.

I tried to do what they said, but the pain in my heart kept capturing my attention.

I was afraid I would hurt forever.

Things didn't get better until I decided to STOP.
        Stop trying to control the situation.
        Stop trying to read the future.
        Stop trying to earn love and respect.

I gave myself permission to REST and think about the value of my worth.  Yes, something awful happened, but it doesn't determine WHO I am. 

There's a great quote in the movie, "Kung Fu Panda 2": 

Your story may not have a happy beginning, but that doesn't make you who you are.  It is the rest of your story...who you choose to be.

There's something comforting about knowing our circumstances don't affect the value of who we are.  It makes the bad things less hurtful.  It empowers us to overcome even terrible things and say, "This is not how my story will end."

This is not how my story will end.

​Dear mom and dad,

I'm emotional these days.  I try not to be, but I can't help it.

It just seems like nothing is working right in my life.

When the frustrations are too intense, I have melt downs.  I don't mean to disrespect you or dishonor you.  I'm not even thinking about that.  I'm just hurting and don't know what to do.

What I need most from you is love and support to help me regroup.

Please be gentle. An angry tone of voice only makes me feel more stressed.

A calm response is the quickest way to help me calm down. When I'm calm, I can listen to your advice. 

That's what I want more than anything. I want to feel  you love and support me, even when I've made bad decisions and my life is crazy. And I want you to know that I love you, even when I have a hard time showing it.