Once upon a time, a long time ago, my family's life was perfect.  Well, maybe not perfect, but close enough.  We were happy, and then something happened that changed our course forever: my husband got cancer.  WHAM!  A marker, or signpost, was placed into our lives.  Suddenly we had our life before dad had cancer, and we had our life after dad had cancer.  They were very different lives.

Tomorrow I'm attending a funeral and giving hugs to another family who's had a marker slammed into their lives, one they will refer to often.  Unfortunately, life has a way of doing that to the best of families, maybe even yours.

Those unexpected turns in the road can be painful and difficult, so difficult they can prompt us to search for comfort in things we shouldn't...

alcohol,
drugs,
gambling,
porn,
relationships,
overeating,
cutting,
vomiting...  

We all want to find comfort during life's difficult moments, and it's easy to find temporary comfort in things that can add additional difficulties. My family has experienced some of these temporary comforts firsthand, and they were never satisfying. They kept us needing to overcome more and more issues.

Then we found something that brought us true comfort.

In this world of political correctness, it's not popular to talk about faith, but that's exactly what we found that helped us.  Faith.  Nothing seemed to comfort us as good as God. I guess that's why he's called "the Father of mercies and God of all comfort." 

If you're needing a "God of all comfort" because you've been disappointed in the things you have tried, he'll be there for you.  His kindness and grace may be just the thing you need to continue on.  It was for us.  

Is it possible to bully someone without saying a word?   I find myself wondering that today, and I keep landing on the same answer:  yes. In fact, I think it's one of the cruelest forms of abuse I've seen, as it cuts at the core of every human's need to be acknowledged, accepted, and loved.

Over the Christmas holiday,  I watched an entire family ignore one of their family members.  This young man sat on the couch for most of the day, quietly watching the other family members hug and talk to one another.  He sat there for hours without any interaction.  In the past, this family has justified their treatment of this relative by saying no one likes him.  He's weird.  He's different.  He doesn't fit in with the family. He's always been strange. They end their conversation with the phrase, "It's so sad."  I guess that's the one thing on which we all agree.  It is so sad.  It's so sad seeing someone who has been through a lot of trauma get treated cruelly by his family.

I've tried giving them the benefit of the doubt. I've tried telling myself that maybe they've forgotten that holidays bring back memories of dead relatives, and they didn't realize he was feeling sad and wishing he could celebrate with his father one more time.  Or perhaps they didn't take time to consider he was looking forward to seeing his family and having a warm, happy experience.

But should those things really matter? Doesn't every human being deserve to be spoken to politely and shown warmth over the holidays from their family members?  Especially from family members who complain loudly about the intolerance of the future President Trump?  

I'm not sure this family's definition of tolerance matches my own. However, there is one thing I'm sure about. Tolerance begins at home, and it starts with being kind to family members, even those who think and act differently than the rest of their family.  Kindness trumps hate everywhere, even at home.

Depression is an awful life changing illness. I know first hand because my brother is bi-polar, and I have been there through the rough patches.  It can flip your life upside down and leave you asking so many questions. What people don't understand is that it's not something that you can just wish away or take a pill and you'll be happy. Depression is a nasty mental illness that can take a lot to overcome. Friends, family and activities can help, but deep down it's you who can make the choice to get the help to make things better. I can't imagine a world without my brother today and thanks to some help and better relationships, I won't ever have to.

Josh Barth

​

​Have you ever walked behind someone at the grocery store or sat behind someone’s car and wondered why they aren’t walking or driving?  They seem far away or not all there.  This has been me the last 34 days. 

That’s how long it’s been since anyone has seen my teenage son. 

He chose to disappear with no goodbye, no letter, no phone call. We’re not sure why.  Just phone suspended, bathroom cleaned out and vehicle gone. He chose to leave his business and over 200 clients behind. He left behind parents and siblings who love him. Police can’t help as he is an adult and chose to leave—no foul play found. 

The hardest thing is to not know if he is safe. 

My other question is why? Why would he leave people who love him and would help him if he needed anything?  What pulled him away?
 
While at work, our family puts on a brave face…a smile at times, trying hard to get our job done. Closing the door to our office when the tears overwhelm us, just to open the door with a smile on our face when the next task has to get done. We have to keep moving forward step by step, day by day. 

But sometimes it’s too hard to move. Sometimes the smile can’t hide our sadness. 

​This is a shout out to other parents or siblings out there missing their son/daughter or brother/sister. We are sorry for your hurt. We are sorry that sometimes the sadness overwhelms you. We hope your special someone comes home safely and your family can heal. 
 
Please reach out for help if you need it. You don't have to go through this hurt alone. 
Thinking and praying for you.

​..Parenting is hard, zero kids/parents are perfect, not every moment is a pleasure ever – in any stage, for any parent, for any kid, in any context in the history of life. Every person who disagrees with the previous sentence is a liar.
 
However, even though I am naturally an Older Kid Mom (I recall the Baby Years and get the shakes), I also recognize that my kids thus far – and I do mean thus far – have operated somewhat in the middle of the pack. While they aren’t skipping grades and ending world hunger, neither are they struggling with extreme behaviors, so my experience is fairly ordinary. We are in the middle of the bell curve.
 
But parents, do you know how many teens are in crisis? In the throes of addiction or self-harm or mental illness or depression? MILLIONS. So do the math: that means millions of parents are suffering alongside teens that are self-destructing.

I want to talk today to the parents in the deepest trenches, absolutely battling for their children’s loyalty or health or even their lives. First, you are not alone. Hear that. Parenting troubled teens often involves silent suffering, which can trick you into thinking you are isolated. An easy target for judgment or shame, so many families in crisis struggle alone, afraid or embarrassed or just too damn exhausted to reach out. Society expects three-year-olds to act like lunatics, but we don’t know what to do with a teen that cuts or abuses or destroys or hates herself.
 
Because we are a people who like to blame, so often parents get the side eye: What did you do wrong? What didn’t you do right? What could you have done differently? The truth is, teenagers are whole human beings and they get to choose their steps. So many troubled teens are beloved, they come from good families, they were rocked and read to and cheered for. There is no parenting formula that ensures any child’s path. Families in crisis don’t need a jury of their peers; they need a community of support. A parent can virtually do everything right and their child can still disappear. What’s more, a parent can virtually engage every good intervention, and their child may stay gone.
 
Then there is the very real reality of mental illness, addiction, emotional disorders, and trauma that many teens are battling. If our child had liver failure, we would go to the ends of the earth for medical care, the best doctors, the strongest intervention, the greatest support network, and all the earth would rally to our side to fight for her wholeness. So many of our teens are physically broken in their minds and hearts, and the magnitude of their hurt completely overwhelms their capacity to overcome on their own, but instead of a chorus of support, their families receive silence or judgment or disappointment which compounds grief and lays a heavy yoke on those who are already suffering.
 
I want to introduce you to my friend Amy and her son Landon (name changed). This is my dear friend who has struggled mightily for over 10 years with her teen. And I mean mightily. The grace and courage she exhibits, well, I just don’t even know how to talk about it. I am so proud to be her friend. She agreed to tell a bit of her story. May it be an encouragement to weary and heartbroken parents.
 
When did Landon begin struggling outside the parameters of "ordinary disobedience"?

We first started seeing changes in Landon when he was around 5. That's when he really started to show some defiance. He became very pessimistic and lacking empathy for others. And worst, no remorse. We started getting calls from teachers about 5th grade.  By 6th grade we were called to the principal's office.  Now he is in 11th grade and it's only gotten harder. His high school principal joked that he needed to put us on speed dial.  He's on probation for the 3rd time. Thankfully, nothing serious - just a lot of really stupid choices that he didn't get away with. 
 
But, let me tell you, seeing your child in an orange jumpsuit handcuffed is HARD. Just typing that makes me cry. Seeing him in pain because of his choices is so hard as a parent to watch. But we have given him the necessary tools, guidance and resources to make the right choices. We have had to step back and let the natural consequences play out. 
 
And, if you want a dose of humble pie - go sit in the waiting room at Gardner Betts Juvenile Center waiting for your child's probation officer while every other person that walks by knows your name! Very humbling. I look at the other moms in the waiting room (we all look like we all need to go to the spa). We give each other the I-can-relate-exhausted-look. No matter what part of town we live in, how much money we have in the bank, we are on the same battlefield: fighting for our kids.
 
What have his teen years been like? What have you been through?
 
To say his teen years have been difficult is a major understatement. We have cried buckets of tears through these years. We have screamed at God.  Pleaded to God.... This was NOT what I envisioned our family of 6 would look like. We never wanted to spend these teen years concerned about suicide, going to court hearings, spending hours at counselors, having random visits from parole officers. And we are still right in the trenches. Still pray every morning that Landon makes it through the day without getting arrested, killed or hurting someone else. 

Dear Teens Finding Hope,
 
Why do I hate my dad? Well, there are many reasons why I hate him. I'm just not sure where to start. I hate his short temper, how he always bursts out of nowhere and starts yelling at me. I hate the way he talks, as if he has gone through everything, as if he knows everything, as if no one else has ever faced anything like he’s had to go through. He's wrong. He knows nothing. There are billions of people out there who have faced hardships in their life, they learned millions of things, and probably also came across things that my dad learned and has kept as good experience and knowledge for himself. However, what they learned and he did not is how to use words to solve problems. What distinguishes my dad from other successful people? Well, it's that tendency to use violence to solve every problem.

The memories of my dad yelling at me, hitting me, swearing and screaming at my face when I was younger, are still very vivid in my mind. There are probably so many more other things, but that's all I know, or at least remember about the past that is starting to reappear in my present. I guess that's just the way he is: hot temper, arrogant, violent person. That is my dad, and he will probably never change.

I go backward from other people who learned that money is important, but then later on realized that it's not as important as they've always thought. But for me, I thought money wasn't important. I thought money couldn’t buy you everything. I realize now that money is important, and it is the only way that can buy me a ticket out of this oppressive, restricted world where the only way I was taught to solve a problem is violence. 
 
Anonymous
 
 
Dear Anonymous,
 
It’s hard seeing other families being loving and supporting to one another, while yours is not. It doesn’t seem fair.  And you know what?  It isn’t fair, and it’s okay to have strong feelings about it.  It’s okay to hurt.  Wounds from family members take a long time to heal, but the good news is….
 
Wounds heal.
 
It’s funny you wrote this letter now, because I’ve been reading a book about this very thing.  It’s called, Life’s Healing Choices, and it has eight steps to help you overcome hurts from the past. And you know what?  It’s working.
 
Let me share with you something I’ve learned from my own experience:

• You can’t take personally your father’s mistakes.
•  You can’t control him. 
• You can’t fix him, and you can’t change the past.

But you can forgive.

Forgiving doesn’t mean forgetting about what happened and letting your dad “off- of-the-hook” for his actions.  It means letting go, so when you think of the past, it doesn’t hurt you anymore.  It means letting go, so you can move forward. It means not holding onto that experience anymore, allowing the emotions of it whip you around and strangle the joy out of you.

It’s not easy to forgive. It’s painful work, and I found it helpful to get a friend to go through the steps with me. She helped me pray through the process, and provides support whenever I feel vulnerable.  I’m smiling right now, because I know how good it feels to finally let it go and not have those horrible memories going through my mind.  You can have this freedom, too. You can.

You can also set boundaries.

 Not to punish, but to work toward a healthy relationship with your father. And if you have to, love him from a distance in order to keep yourself emotionally safe.  Depending on family customs in your country, this may or may not be an easy thing to do.  If you can’t get physical distance from your father, perhaps you can find a safe place in your home to use as a refuge for when you need to get away from his violence.

It sounds like you love your dad and wish for a relationship that’s filled with respect, love and support.  If he didn’t change and you did, would that be enough to make this loving relationship happen?  I don’t know.  But I do know this:  It would make you feel better.
And I want you to feel better.  I want the pain to melt away from you so you can enjoy your future. 

I'm hoping you find a way to work through this hurt and emerge on the other side.  Find a book, a class or a friend to help you.  You won't regret it.

Blessings,

​Sherry

​Dear mom and dad,

I'm emotional these days.  I try not to be, but I can't help it.

It just seems like nothing is working right in my life.

When the frustrations are too intense, I have melt downs.  I don't mean to disrespect you or dishonor you.  I'm not even thinking about that.  I'm just hurting and don't know what to do.

What I need most from you is love and support to help me regroup.

Please be gentle. An angry tone of voice only makes me feel more stressed.

A calm response is the quickest way to help me calm down. When I'm calm, I can listen to your advice. 

That's what I want more than anything. I want to feel  you love and support me, even when I've made bad decisions and my life is crazy. And I want you to know that I love you, even when I have a hard time showing it.

Dads are important. They guide us in ways that only dads can. 

Who else would challenge us to try things that are beyond our comfort zone?
      Let go of our bikes after taking off the training wheels ?
      Throw us in the pond to teach us to swim?
      Give us chores to teach us responsibility?

Dads push us harder than we think we can handle.
They play with us until we burst with laughter.
They support and protect us when we need it.

Research says that having an involved, loving dad makes us more likely to do well in school, have healthy self-esteem and show more empathy. 

Our hearts say that we feel good having a dad that loves and believes in us.

For all of the dads out there who have taken time to guide and love us, paced the hallway with worry, acted crazy to entertain, waited up to make sure we're safe, and tried to give us the best advice they could, we say thank you.

You are truly loved and appreciated.