​I get it.

It's nice feeling loved. It's wonderful having someone to hang around, so you don't have to be alone.  It feels good saying the word, "Boyfriend." 

He's cute.  
He can be really sweet sometimes.  
He has a lot going on right now....that's why he's treating you that way.  It'll get better.

This is where I sigh because I know it won't get better. I've seen it too many times.  

Let me tell you something, sweet friend:  There's nothing more lonely than being in a bad relationship.  

​How Do I Know If I'm in a bad relationship?

Here are some common "red flags" to notice:

• He isolates you and doesn't want you to hang out with certain people.
• He only wants to be around you on his time.
• He doesn't like to spend time with your family.
• He is emotionally abusive and talks down to you.
• When he does something wrong, he turns it on you.
• He disrespects you in front of his friends.
• He wants to know all of your passwords.
• He makes you wear what he wants you to wear.
• He's always angry at you.
• He hits or physically hurts you.

​But If I Break up With Him, I'll Be Alone

I'm not going to point out how many people you have in your life that will be there for you.

I'm not.

Instead, I'm going to let you know it'll be good for you to be alone, because then you can show yourself a little "self-love."

And you need this, my friend.  You really do.

Taking time for self-love, or self-care, will not only help you gain more confidence, but it will also help you increase your motivation and decrease your stress.  Self-care will lead you to be emotionally stable and make better choices.  You'll learn not to depend on other people to make you feel this way.  

Here's what you can do:

• Choose some wise friends to support you and make you feel confident.
• Join an activity group to find those friends. (After-School Activity, Church Youth Group, Dance or Pilates Class, Sports Team)
• Fight the urge to isolate yourself.  Getting out to do fun things helps bring up your self-esteem.
• Find things that will help you relax and lower your heart rate.

Accepting love at all costs isn't worth it.   It really isn't.  You deserve a better boyfriend, and it's time you believed it.

​It's a beautiful thing to see hands reaching out across the darkness in support of our hurting friends.  I am honored and privileged to have a small role in this process, and it touches me deeply. That's why I'm excited to share the next idea with you. It's a great way to encourage and support your hurting friend.  It's like handing him or her a little life jacket in a box, something to keep them afloat when the strong emotions of depression threaten to overwhelm or when the urges to self-harm flare intensely.  It's called a comfort box, and it is filled with items your friend will be able to turn to when they need a distraction from their stressors.


HOW DO I MAKE A COMFORT BOX?

1. Start with any box or container.
2. If needed, decorate the outside....your friend's favorite comic strip, some pretty paper - your own special type of bling.
3. Now comes the fun part. Fill it. Fill it with things that will make your friend happy. Find things that will make your friend smile. Find things that will involve their senses and create a distraction. Here are some ideas to get your creative juices flowing:

     
Things to keep their hands busy: 
Stress balls, origami materials, puzzles, play dough, toys, coloring books and colored pencils...

Things to create sensory distractions:
Body sprays, essential oils, candy, gum, hand lotion (for rubbing on their arms instead of cutting), thick rubber band (for snapping against their wrist instead of hurting themselves), peel-able fingernail polish, mp3 player with encouraging music...)

Things to remind them the bad times won't last:
Inspirational books, meaningful photographs, cards, quotes, notes of encouragement, writing journal and pen...

Things just for fun:
Travel board games, DVDs, bubbles....get creative.  What would your friend love? What speaks fun?  What speaks life?

4. Once you've filled the box with all sorts of wonderful things, simply write a little note of love and include an explanation of the purpose of your box. It is now ready to be delivered in love and friendship. It is now ready to be used and loved. What a powerful thing.

​It began while scrolling through your Facebook account.  You saw a picture of your friends at a party.  Everyone was there, smiling and having fun.

"What?  When did this happen?" you ask yourself, "Why wasn't I invited?"

Or perhaps you were in science class and the teacher asked you to pick a partner.  You hurried over to your BFF, but she had already chosen someone else.  "Sorry," she tells you as she turns away.

And just like that, your world turns upside down.  

What is going on? Are you still friends? 

You want things to be the same again, because it's hard to be off-balance. It's hard to look at your friend laughing, while you're feeling hurt and betrayed.

Take a deep breathe.  It'll be okay.  Let me share a couple of ideas that may help you get your relationship back on track. 

First of all, give your friend some grace.  Sometimes people hurt each other without even realizing it. Try looking at the situation objectively.  Could there be an innocent reason why these things happened?  Could it be your friends didn't invite you that day because they thought you were already busy?  Would it be possible that the other girl in science class asked your friend to be a partner with her first, and your friend didn't want to hurt her feelings? Most of the time there's an innocent reason why something happened.

Try talking to your friend as a friend.  Don't  automatically "go to the dark side," and begin making accusations and hurling insults to get revenge for your hurt feelings. Instead, ask her why you weren't included, or tell her how disappointed you were when you didn't get to be her partner.  Find out the true facts.

More than likely, you'll find out she cares for you, and she wasn't intentionally trying to hurt your feelings.  

But what if?

What if you do find out she was trying to exclude you?  Ask her why.  Maybe there was something you did that unintentionally hurt her feelings.  If that's the case, make amends...even if she misinterpreted your actions.

It's always better to be kind than to be "right," especially when it comes to repairing our relationships with our family and friends.

​The best way to have a friend, is to be one.

Let me tell you about two parties I attended.  

The first party was anything but fun. I shopped for hours, worried about what to wear.  I kept trying to guess what they would be wearing.  What will help me blend in?  What will they like? They love to comment on people's style.   I finally found the perfect ensemble, one I thought they'd notice and appreciate.  Yes, I was disappointed when they loved everyone else's outfits, but never noticed mine.  Still, I felt good, so I let it slide.

I smiled and tried to join in their conversations, asking questions and making small talk.  They'd answer quickly and turn back to each other, making me feel like an outsider.  The minutes ticked by like hours, as I sat politely, watching these people I'd known for years ignore me.  It was such a relief to finally leave, not having to rack my brain about what I could do to get them to accept me.

Several weeks later, I attended another party.  I was nervous about going, the feelings from the last gathering weighing heavy on my heart.  I was greeted with smiles and warm hugs.  They asked me to sit at their table, and we talked.  When they noticed I was quiet, they'd ask me questions so I could join in.  Their comments were warm and accepting.

As they talked, I looked around the table, amazed at the acceptance they'd given me.  I barely knew them, yet they made me feel like I'd been a part of their group forever.  It felt good.  It felt comfortable.  We laughed and chatted for hours, none of us wanting to leave. It was wonderful.  

I learned something very important that day.

Belonging is much better than fitting in.

For years, I had wanted to fit in with a group of people, trying to be something I wasn't so they'd accept me. I dressed differently, kept my opinions to myself, and sat quietly while they treated me indifferently.  

Then I found a group of people where I could be myself and they appreciated it.  I belonged, and it felt good.

It made me wonder why I spent so much time trying to fit in with that other group.  It wasn't worth the time and worry I gave it, especially when there are people out there who make me love and appreciate who I am.

I'm a happy-go-lucky, hard-working, fixer-upper, encouraging, church-loving girl who loves creating, cooking, and giving.  I'm not perfect, but I'm beginning to love the way God made me. 

What about you?  What's one thing that makes you uniquely you?  Have you found a group where you belong?

​He can't seem to make decisions, even easy ones. 



6.  He loses his temper easily.