Recently, I was sitting in a meeting, listening to someone share their story and—WHAM! I was triggered.  My breathing slowed, my hands got sweaty, and I began to panic.

Suddenly, memories (and the intense feelings that went with them) came flooding back. It happened in a matter of seconds, and I found myself wanting to flee those old traumatic experiences once more.

When triggers hit, it's hard because they make us feel out of control. They remind us of hurtful things— things we don't want to relive. We can find ourselves reacting in ways we don't want to react, such as lashing out at our friends or pulling away from loved ones. Reacting to triggers in this way doesn't mean we're crazy or that something is wrong with us.  It means we're human, and it's a normal response to trauma.

Fortunately, if we're aware of our triggers, we can learn how to respond appropriately.  I know when I go to my meeting tomorrow, I am going to face a situation that will trigger those memories again.  This time, however, I'm going in prepared.  I'm going to take a short walk ahead of time, so I can burn off some of my anxiety.  I'm going to take a warm, comforting drink with me and have something in my hand I can fiddle with.  These are some of the things that help me stay calm.

Knowing which things help soothe our nerves is helpful in situations such as these.   It's also helpful to know our triggers and how they make us respond.  Self-regulating can help us avoid the intense feelings and behaviors, and help us choose healthier and more constructive responses. 

Many people, after the deaths of Anthony Bourdain and Kate Spade, are asking each other how such successful people could commit suicide. What could they possibly have been depressed about? Even Anthony Bourdain's mother is questioning his decision.  “He had everything. Success beyond his wildest dreams. Money beyond his wildest dreams..."  

You might think that success, wealth, and adoring fans could protect you from pain, but they can't. Pain is sneaky, and it will always find a way into someone's life, even if that someone is highly talented and successful. 

That's where the problem lies.  Pain hides in the shadows, so when we catch glimpses of other people's lives, we often can't see it.  We see only what's thrust into the light, and we believe our lives should be just as happy. Then when they aren't, we get worried and discouraged.

Anthony and Kate must have been feeling very discouraged to do what they did. It's too bad they never realized  the number of people who would have reached out to help them.  Maybe then they wouldn't have chosen the wrong solution for their pain. 

Suicide wasn't the solution for their pain.  It never is. 

Depression likes to lie and tell you that there is no way you can overcome the pain you are feeling in the moment.  But it is wrong.  Do you know how you can overcome the pain? Look at this picture.

I don't know if you've watched the movie "13 Reasons Why," but here is a scene that shows why suicide is not the answer...13 reasons why...13 people coming together and helping each other get through the moment.

There will always be people who will come alongside and help you through the pain. Always.

All you have to do is let someone know you are struggling.  Then you need to believe what they tell you.

You are loved and needed.
You are not a burden.
You will get through this pain.

Pain is  not a death sentence.  It's a warning that it's time to reach out.
​
Suicide Prevention Lifeline (24 Hours) tel:1-800-273-8255

After months of researching bullying and trying to write a story for the victims, I've come to a firm realization:  You have a better chance of getting through life if you have a tribe of people who support you. 

Life can be downright messy at times, and we're all going to have those days--

Days where our hearts will be hurt by people we care about.
Days we don't think we have the energy to face.
Days that feel as if we've been dragged through the streets behind a large truck.

During those times we need to reach out and talk to people.  We need to find people who will speak words of life and hope into our mess.  This is the crucial part.

It's easy to find people who will commiserate with us—grumble and complain whenever we need someone to join us in our  misery.  It's much harder to find people who will support us in our healing. If you have someone in your life who speaks truth and encouragement over you, hold onto them.  Be open to them. Listen to them.

I don't know where I'd be without my tribe.  Whenever I'm having "a day," these ladies are a text away.  Their words bring comfort and help.  I've learned from their advice, and I've cherished their visits to support me.  I'm the woman I am today because of the love they've poured into my life.

That's what tribes do—they pour into our lives and help us become stronger.  ​

There are times when you think you are going to be riding into the sunset and your illness is in your rear view mirror. Then your illness hits you.


There are moments in life I have felt invincible from my illness. These past couple years I have been promoted multiple times, I have moved multiple times. I had my up and downs but not extreme. That is a lot of stress I got through. I was thinking, "I am a rock star. Maybe I have out grown my illness. Maybe my tools I have built are working and I'm over it."


Then when I thought I have found a future stepping stone that would be great for my future I took it. I switched jobs, I moved towards more family, my schedule is great,I have been on vacations, my life style was supposed to sky rocket. I had the worst episode I have had in years. I could not find enjoyment when it was right in front of me. I was thinking what is wrong with me? I can see that I am suppose to be happy. I know this is what I wanted. Why Can't I be??

This episode I was in lasted for months and during it I could not figure out how to get out of it.  I felt like all my tools I have built up were useless. All I kept thinking was fight harder, fight harder. Life can be happy and sad on the outside but my illness is on the inside. Even when you think you are invincible then you are reminded even the strongest need help sometimes. It is ok to ask for it. God knows I needed it. I had to redo a lot of my meds, try everything I had to figure out sleep, figure out how to live outside of my battles in my mind. It felt impossible at times and I have been dealing with this for close to 20 years. I cry sometimes knowing I have to deal with this my entire life.

​ Now I am on the back end of my episode and thank God everyday for that. It is so hard when you are doing great to remind yourself of these times when you just can't. I know I can get better with every episode and try my hardest fighting the good fight because I am strong enough to fight through. Even though I might need help and am reminded of that every time. 

Sometimes the battles in our lives are ones that rage within us.  Deep within our brain's gray folds, a war of words can take place:

You're not doing well.  
What a loser!
Everything is falling apart.
Are you going to eat that?

Unhealthy voices can strike with a vengeance, leaving us cowering and unable to hear the healthy voices within.

Battling these vicious thoughts can be a daily struggle for some of us, but that doesn't mean we are powerless to combat them.   The key to surviving these attacks is finding a way to amplify the healthy voices within us.

One way to key into our healthy voice is to share our experiences with a therapist or support group. With proper counsel, we can learn skills for dealing with the negative, as well as skills for developing positive reactions.

Surrounding ourselves with positive people is another way to combat these unhealthy thoughts.  Many times the negative thoughts we are having are reflective of our feelings and not reflective of the true situation.

​The truth is, with a little hard work and a lot of endurance, we can come through the struggle as victors. It all comes down to finding a way to support ourselves.  If we have a hard time keying into our positive self-talk, we need to find a strategy to help us do it.

​I get it.

It's nice feeling loved. It's wonderful having someone to hang around, so you don't have to be alone.  It feels good saying the word, "Boyfriend." 

He's cute.  
He can be really sweet sometimes.  
He has a lot going on right now....that's why he's treating you that way.  It'll get better.

This is where I sigh because I know it won't get better. I've seen it too many times.  

Let me tell you something, sweet friend:  There's nothing more lonely than being in a bad relationship.  

​How Do I Know If I'm in a bad relationship?

Here are some common "red flags" to notice:

• He isolates you and doesn't want you to hang out with certain people.
• He only wants to be around you on his time.
• He doesn't like to spend time with your family.
• He is emotionally abusive and talks down to you.
• When he does something wrong, he turns it on you.
• He disrespects you in front of his friends.
• He wants to know all of your passwords.
• He makes you wear what he wants you to wear.
• He's always angry at you.
• He hits or physically hurts you.

​But If I Break up With Him, I'll Be Alone

I'm not going to point out how many people you have in your life that will be there for you.

I'm not.

Instead, I'm going to let you know it'll be good for you to be alone, because then you can show yourself a little "self-love."

And you need this, my friend.  You really do.

Taking time for self-love, or self-care, will not only help you gain more confidence, but it will also help you increase your motivation and decrease your stress.  Self-care will lead you to be emotionally stable and make better choices.  You'll learn not to depend on other people to make you feel this way.  

Here's what you can do:

• Choose some wise friends to support you and make you feel confident.
• Join an activity group to find those friends. (After-School Activity, Church Youth Group, Dance or Pilates Class, Sports Team)
• Fight the urge to isolate yourself.  Getting out to do fun things helps bring up your self-esteem.
• Find things that will help you relax and lower your heart rate.

Accepting love at all costs isn't worth it.   It really isn't.  You deserve a better boyfriend, and it's time you believed it.

Rejection hurts, especially when it comes from a parent.

It's a deep hurt, isn't it? A hurt that sinks into your very being and makes you wonder what is so bad about you, it would keep your own parents from loving you. You've tried, but nothing seems to earn you their love.

You'd like to think it's because they don't know how to show love, but they do.  You watch them shower it on your sibling, which is really hard to endure.

They shower them with praise.
They shower them with attention.
They shower them with gifts.

It's really unfair. Everyone needs their families to show them love, and when your family fails to do this, it hurts.

Unfortunately, it's very common for families to hurt each other in this manner. When this happens, you need to remember:

       Just because you're not valued, doesn't mean you're not valuable.

Think about the people who have become millionaires after finding something someone else threw away.  It shows us that humans have a knack for failing to see the value of things.

      And you, my friend, are valuable.
     
I know I tell you this over and over, but I want you to understand. Everyone has value, and this value isn't tied to someone else's perspective, not even your parents'.

Here's what you can do:  Ignore the words and actions by your parents that are based in any anger, brokenness or addictions. You can't trust those. Listen for any words that are spoken from wisdom and compassion. You may find wonderful nuggets of advice and love hidden among the hurtful ones.

 Then try telling your parents how you feel one more time.  Stay away from phrases like, "You always" and "You never."  That will only put them on the defensive and keep them from listening to the real issue.  Instead, tell them:

     I'm feeling hurt right now and I need you to show me you love me. That would help me so much right now.

Hopefully, they'll hear the pain behind those words and show you how much they care.  If they don't, remember this:

       Just because you're not valued, doesn't mean you're not valuable.