Lately social media feeds have been filled with pictures of happy people enjoying holiday fun. For some of us, scrolling through these pictures is a painful reminder that we are feeling everything but happy.  Seeing people happy when we are going through trauma is hard.  Incredibly hard.  

If you feel triggered over the holidays, it's okay to use the strategies you've learned to regroup.  Step away and breathe.  Listen to music. (We've put together a playlist on Spotify called Finding Hope, which you can access here.)  Journal away your stress or go for a walk. 

Another strategy you can try is sketching.  Now before you tell me you're not an artist, let me tell you a story.  It's a story about a guy who found a way to zone out and forget about the stress in his life.

I won't go into the story of what he was facing, but I will tell you that the trauma gave him an intense fear for his future.  Then one day he decided to grab a pen and some paper, and he began drawing what he saw directly in front of him.  It wasn't a perfect drawing, and he wasn't an artist.  

Everyday for ten minutes, he drew.  What he found was that it didn't matter what he drew — his lemon LaCroix, the chair, or even if his drawing was good— the experience calmed him down.  That slow, careful gaze helped him zone out his stress and notice and connect with the blessings in his life—the everyday things surrounding him.

When things get overwhelming, we can feel like we won't have peace until the situation is resolved or we can escape from it.  Fortunately, this isn't the case.  There are a number of things we can do to find calm in our storms. Here's hoping you will find a strategy that works for you this holiday season.

     Imagine you were home sick for a week and when you went back to school, your best friend didn't want to speak to you or hang out anymore.  Boom!  Just like that you've found yourself in the middle of friend drama, sitting alone at lunch and wondering what could have happened . 

     Does this sound familiar? I was describing something that happened to a friend of mine recently, but it's a tale as old as time. Most of us have stories about friend drama.  Drama seems to go with hormones, which is something all of us have.  Knowing this fact doesn't help the pain you feel in those situations, though, does it? I agree.  These situations are always awkward and painful. 

     I wish I could tell you there was one magic strategy for resolving the situation with your friend, but there isn't.  What works in one case may not work in another.  I will tell you this, however.  There is one thing that can make things much worse:  your words.

     What you say right now matters more than you think.  Hurtful words can live forever in people's minds.  Years later you are going to be able to recall all of the angry and terrible words spoken to you.  This is true for your friend, also.  Sometimes the memories of those words will bring up just as much pain as they did when they were first spoken. 

       If you truly want to be friends with this person and get things back to where they were, keep your words kind. Don't say things you will regret later on or will cause them pain long after you have spoken them.  Even if they  speak or text nasty things, don't return any of your own.  Yes, it's hard and it seems unfair, but it's the best way to show your friend that you are one.  

      Resolving issues can take time. While you are waiting, be kind to yourself, as well.  Speak positive things over yourself, and enjoy the other friends and family members who are encouraging you. Do things you love.  You'll get through this tough period. You will.  And if you both decide in the end that this friendship isn't worth saving, you can walk away guilt-free, knowing you did everything in your power to be there for them. 

     

     

Did you know that distraction is a great way to calm yourself in order to deal with stress?  Whenever I feel overwhelming stress, one of the first things I do is take a break and distract myself.  Usually this means putting in my earbuds and going for a walk.  

The music changes my mood, and the exercise relieves the tension from my body.  By the time I finish, my mind is able to refocus and I feel more capable of dealing with whatever the issue was that stressed me out. 

If you're feeling stressed, try to unwind for a while and see if it helps.  Take a break and do something you like (jogging, sketching, shooting baskets).  Turn on some great music - music that gives you hope and pumps you up, and then give your body time to calm down. Teens Finding Hope has added a station to Spotify if you are looking for some tunes.  (See Link Below.)  

Once you feel thoroughly distracted and refreshed, go back and see how you deal with things. You should find that calming yourself increases your ability to think and cope. If you're still felling stressed, then maybe it's time to reach out for advice. Remember, it's a sign of weakness to reach for help when facing large problems.  It's a sign of being resilient.  

Stay strong, friends.  Here is the link to our Spotify playlist, for those of you who have an account:

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The other day, my daughter pulled me aside and whispered out of embarrassment that her armpits smelled like onions. She pressed her small hands on each cheek and pulled them down as if she was trying to release her embarrassment through her exposed eyeballs. Then she released her inner reality: Mom, why do I smell like you? Am I a woman now? What is wrong with me? Is this it for me? Will I always smell like this? Do other people smell like this? Will people make fun of me? Will people still like me?

Immediately, I laughed out loud. Then realized my response was inappropriate. My child was no longer the little nugget running around without a care in the world, unaware of who saw her and what they thought. This realization was a sad moment for me.

I know what you’re thinking, body odor? Really? This may seem like a sliver of a problem, right? Who cares? That’s not the case for my preteen and probably for yours too. Our preteens are growing into young adolescents and these worries may seem small to us, but they are larger than life to them. Unfortunately, appearance and approval matter a great deal in today’s society. I hate that my beautiful, smart, funny, talented, daughter is worried about what people think of her. I wish I could protect her from all the icky parts of the world that I still hope she will never see but I can’t.

I imagine that most of you moms feel this way. So a few words of advice to the moms who are reading. Be present for your child and teen. Let them share their silly slivers of a problem. Let them spill their worries and concerns. Take their concerns seriously. This stage of life is hard. Change is hard. Growing up is hard.

A few other words of advice to the teens who are reading.  Find your person. Find that person you can trust to talk to about anything. Whether your “person” is your mom, guardian, caretaker, brother, sister, whomever. Know that your “person” loves you. Your person looks at you with rose colored glasses and sees all the best parts of you. Don’t ever stop talking to your person about your worries. It doesn’t matter how big or small they may seem. Because these worries will start to feel a little bit smaller if they aren’t hidden and tucked away. 

By Emily Krueger

     My friend recently said to me: “Every year, I say ‘next year will be a better year’ and I really believe it when I say it. But I can’t seem to voice the words this year. After all the tragic and awful things, I fear that this year will just roll into the next. It doesn’t feel over yet.”

     I couldn’t agree with her more. It doesn’t feel over yet. I hate to be the bearer of bad news but my friend is right. It isn’t over yet. As we enter a new year, the awfulness of 2020 can’t be stomped on or thrown away. For many of us, 2020 left scars that we’ll have to live with everyday. Truth be told, we will once again find ourselves standing on the frontlines of a new war, but who wins the battle depends on us.

     So here’s my proposal, instead of DEPENDING on what the new year will bring to us, how about we DEPEND on ourselves and what we bring to the new year. What kind of “weapons” can we bring with us as we enter 2021 in preparation of a new war?

    If you’ve been knocked down this year and got back up again, you’re carrying the weapon of resilience. How about self care? If you’re actively taking care of yourself, you’re claiming the weapon of value. Every single person has value. Take hold of that weapon. How about spiritual? Do you meditate? Have faith in a higher power? Then you’re carrying a weapon that no problem can fight against. Look out 2021!

     Who is standing alongside you in these battles? This is your backup team. Talk to them, let them in. Claim your weapons. Make amends with your weapons as you enter the new year. Prepare to fight. Stand tall. Don’t give up. No battle is too great for you and your weapons. You've got this.

Can I give you a piece of motherly advise?  The type of advise from someone who'd sacrifice everything for your well-being? Please view people you meet online as strangers, because they are — strangers.

Why am I telling you this? My family and I found ourselves in the middle of what felt like a bad movie. Even as I write this, I can't shake the surreal and anxious feelings that came with this particular circumstance.

Due to privacy, I won't share my family member's name, but I will tell you it involved a young teen and a very real need to feel connected after months of isolation. We thought that being holed up at home during the pandemic would ensure our teen's safety, but we were naive. This isolation allowed a stranger to enter our home and invade our sacred space.

Yes, he seemed innocent enough, coming over the technology with sweet talk and compliments, as strangers often will. He joked, played games, and empathized the way a friend would.  All of this attention made the teen feel wanted, appreciated, and warm inside. But those feelings didn't mean that the online person was a friend; they only meant that our teen was human.  This type of attention, regardless of where it's from, always feels great. Until it puts you in danger.

It wasn't long before this person over-stepped his bounds and showed his true colors, putting our teen at risk. It took us all by surprise.  Luckily, our family has a close relationship with one another and we were able to intervene. This time.  We're working hard to ensure there isn't a next time.

I'm not going to share all of the details because I want to come back to you, my friends. Believe the movies that show teens being persuaded to do dumb things by strangers online. You never think it's going to happen to you.  You think you'll be able to know if someone is scamming you or is intending to do you harm, but it's never that easy — not when strangers know how to make you feel safe and cared for. Not when strangers know how to pretend to be friends. 

They may be fun gaming partners.  They may be good flatterers.  They may even be the cutest entertainers you've ever seen.  But they remain strangers through all of it, or at best, acquaintances you know little about.

Since you can't always trust your instincts, make sure you tell family and friends about your acquaintances online. And if your family or friends have a bad instinct about them? Trust the people you know.  Hoping you stay safe out there, friends.

I've been sitting for a while in pain, watching the people close to me deal with the devastating affects of adversity.  Some are reeling from the loss of their home — others from the death of  a friend or relative.  One is drowning in the pain of racism, and another is drowning in the pain of cancer (now stealing the sweet toddler from her arms.) 

I feel powerless knowing I can't take away their pain.  None of us can. That's one of the hard parts about life and love and family and friendship.

Perhaps you've been there, watching people you love hurting and wanting with all of your heart to switch places with them and make it better.  What do you do when you can't?  When life demands everyone walk through the mess it's handing them?

The only thing I've been able to figure out is to show up. A text. A call. A visit. A meal. A care package. A listening ear. Sometimes it feels like it's not enough, but according to the ones suffering, it's appreciated and makes them feel loved.  That's one of people's greatest needs — to be loved.  It's comforting to know that something I can do will meet a deep need, even if it can't change the situation.

Seems all I do is wait anymore. Wait for test results that could shake my world.  Wait for financial provision.  Wait for paperwork.  Wait for the day I can live a "normal life" again - whatever that means. Waiting is hard. And through all of this waiting I cry out as many of you do.  When will this end?  What will happen if...?  How will I make it?

When these thoughts get too overwhelming, I go to a quiet place. There, away from the world, I give myself a pep talk. My anxious mind doesn't want to listen, but I tell it the truth I don't always feel in my heart. "It's normal to feel upset and anxious. Times are hard, but these times won't last forever.  I've been through trauma before, and I know that after each event there came a time of peace and happiness. I can do this.  I am strong."

I'd love to be able to tell you that this little time out makes me feel instantly at peace, but I can't.  It's just a step in the right direction. It helps me take my thoughts captive so they don't run amok. That's the first step.  I also set boundaries, have a little fun each day, reach out for connection, exercise, and do something kind for others. All of these things help my emotional health.

But the one thing that helps me the most is prayer. It brings me the most peace, and it's something I can't explain to you adequately. If you want to stop reading now, you may. But if you're curious, I pray the same thing I'll pray over you now:

God give them all they need to get through the day — the strength to endure, a wisdom to make sound decisions,  the ability to discover joy in the chaos. Give them an overwhelming sense of peace, one that comforts them to the very depths of their being.  I pray today that as they read this, they will feel your presence in a tangible way and will discover the incredible love you have for them, a love so deep it can get them through their loneliest hours.  Today I pray hope over them, God, as they wait. As we all wait.  Together.