From that moment I knew everything would change. When the ambulance came, my father took my sister and I to the hospital. It was quiet, the walls were white and it felt empty almost like the bad news was waiting for us when we walked through the doors. My mother wasn't coming home ever. I didn't know what to do, so that's what I did. Nothing. Over time people at school thought I was abnormal because I didn't cry, but I didn't know how. That's when everything got worse..my dad started to beat me and my sister, I felt useless. Some days we couldn't go to school because the bruises on our legs..it was something I never talked about because all the kids at school talked about family vacations and how they were so happy.
When I saw my father bring home a strange women only a month after my mom passed, I knew I'd never be in the picture and I guess my sister found out too. She got sad, she wanted her mother back. My dad bring home so many different girls from these dating sites..I guess he found the one or at least that's what people say, about 5 months after my mother passed my sister was placed in residental care, I guess she was to sad.. a year later, my dad has signed of his rights and I went to live with my brother, well that didn't last long until he made me leave..so I tried my aunt.
I was being bullied at school because I wasn't good enough, I wasn't what their standerd were. I went to a different resort, I started smoking and when that wasn't enough I started to harm myself, my aunt said she gives up..so I thought to myself just another school..well, I moved to a new town, new start. No one knows nothing, and I loved that. Well this foster home was going great well so I thought. While I was at a court hearing they told me the family put their notice in, they quit. I was being sent to a residential care. I went to a place, where I was reminded I wasn't good enough and I never would be.
I ran away several times..finally they took me away and put me in a different one, I loved it finally, I was getting better. I learned how to cope with my emotions, I felt as I was getting betters..well 7 months after being there I got tired of it, so I ran. I spent 4 days on the street with 10 bucks on me. I didn't eat, I barley slept. I had no one. I was by myself. I was terrified finally the police came and got me and took me back, I acted up everyday. I fought who ever just because. I yelled at staff, I was someone I'd never thought I'd be. Well after 3 months of that I went somewhere more strict. I couldn't leave there. I spent 5 months there. Then finally my aunt said she'd take me, that didn't last. So I went to another foster home. I was emotionaly abused along with the other 8 kids, I was removed for my safety. A 25 year old women wanted me..I was terrified. That's when another foster home came into play..I stayed there for a while, but I never felt happy.
So I ran. I ran to a 28 year old man's house. I was 16. I slept with him just to have a warm bed at the end of the night, well after the days the cops came. I was then placed in a shelter because they believed I was in human trafficking, but all I ever wanted was a home... after 2 months at the shelter I was introduced to a family. They made me feel loved, they took me into their arms and made me believe that no matter how long you have known someone doesn't mean they love you.
They have made a huge impact on me. I couldn't be happier. Imy learning how to communicate, I'm learning it's okay to be sad, I learned it's okay not to be okay. But in the mix of all this I meant a guy, he went by the name of nix for the longest, he made me well differnt. Over time he became more aggressive, he said I was his toy. He made me put on shows for him just to please him, he made me downgrade myself. He made me lose myself in the mix because some days he'd show love just to make mends hate myself the next. He told me I didn't deserve to be a girlfriend. My role in life was to be some toy. Nothing more, this went on for 10 months. He made me insane..he recently came back this month, saying he changed and that he loved me..his real name is well I'll keep that a secrect for him..he made me think he changed..but he still plays with my mind..he says it's my fault what he did..but I never wanted that, I never wanted any of it. Just love and comfort..
Well that's my story. That's how I overcame everything. I took it head on and now I'm with an amazing family. I couldn't be more happier.
My three siblings were all affected quite differently from all of these aspects of our upbringing and unfortunately it led to a lot of in-fighting between my older sisters and myself, and created a very unhealthy and bitter rivalry between my younger brother and I. All through this my mother had super-human expectations for each of my siblings and myself: A's were the only marks that would receive any love, as anything lower than that would result in scolding; when we participated in any sport we were expected to be excellent beyond competition, or we would simply be used as the 'other child' in our moms' discussions with family or friends. It felt as though everything was a win-lose, and no matter what happened we always lost.
The passing of my father really hurt my mother and shortened her patience with my siblings and I growing up. Until I graduated from high school I always believed that she simply hated us, that we were not worth her time as our mother, that she had failed our father in our upbringing, and I took so much of that out on myself... but I did so under a fake smile, an act that I would put on to make everyone at school I was just the same happy person they encountered every day in the halls and classroom. When I was going through middle school and high school frequently I would sneak off with people who I called 'friends' to smoke and drink, to 'escape.' But all I was doing was creating a barrier between me and reality. I would make excuses to my teachers that I was simply practicing too hard when I would show up sick and late to practice or with a fresh set of bruises... because I was too afraid to tell them what was done to me at home. In high school I contemplated what I was doing, but I never asked anyone, I never truly looked for help and I made the mistake of trying to find all the answers myself.
At 16 I attempted to take my own life. I would make another attempt at 19. And I am SO THANKFUL that I FAILED in those attempts. Why? Please... PLEASE read why.
I was removed from my family's house when I was about halfway through high school. My grandparents took me under their roof and provided for me something I never thought was possible in a place of acceptance. But both of those things would never have happened if I didn't reach out and ask for help from my friends and family that weren't living with me. They helped me learn what resources were available for me, who I could talk to about these things, and what could be done, and although it was only little steps... THEY WERE STEPS and steps in the RIGHT DIRECTION! I began to understand that I had value, that I was important, and that I did matter to people around me. My confidence slowly rebuilt and I started to rediscover who I was and what things made me truly happy in life. Like I mentioned before though, I did attempt to take my own life again at 19. And at this point in my life (at 25) looking back, I hope I can provide some perspective for you - knowing where I was then.
Once I began to understand what made me happy I began to make longer, lasting friendships and relationships with people around me, but I relied too much on those people. In high school and especially through college and working in the 'adult' world, these friendships don't last as long as you see in movies and TV shows. So when they ended, it really hurt... it dug deep. After having surgery that took me from my dreams of playing any sport in college, breaking up with a long-term girlfriend, and learning my last term of high school dropped my GPA below scholarship levels I thought I was losing all my value as a person again.
At this point something wonderful happened and I would hope and pray that it can and will happen in each of your lives if you are reading this now: I found peace. instead of thinking about everything I was doing, I thought about all the things I no longer had done. I used to read when I was growing up, something that I loved! So instead of going out to a friends house for a night, I went and read a book of my own choice. I used to love to learn, and would dedicate myself to working with people! So I found a part-time job AND volunteered in places that helped me practice those skills. And guess what? That work and volunteering led me to earning back the scholarships I thought I lost when my grades dropped, and I finished a degree in management! I thought that my family wasn't valuing me for the longest time, because they never celebrated around me... but I realized that often time I found happiness in THEIR smile and laughter, and I made it a point to call a family member once a week. Then twice a week. And now almost daily I try to talk with them to see how they are doing, to seek their advice, to hear what I can do to help them or be around them.
All these things might seem particular for me, but if I never took that moment to take some deep breaths. To think about what I could do differently instead of what I was doing wrong. To reach out to family and to resources around me (things like this website). TO believe in myself! These things may seem impossible at times, but even just small steps in the right direction can be SO wonderful. And I have faith that you can do these things. I believe in you. I may never meet you, I may have met you, but I believe in you! I will admit that I am quite the Star Wars guy. I imagine life working in ways like the Force, and that I am like Luke Skywalker trying to find balance through all the chaos. A New Hope (Episode IV if you know them by Episodes!) is my favorite, and often time I use it as an example in talking about these types of situations in life. A new hope, creating hope, finding hope is so important throughout your life always. I would strongly encourage you to reach out to someone you trust, and if you are having problems with reaching out to someone you know?
This website has an awesome resource tab that I NEVER had growing up, that you guys are so lucky to have! So where am I now? Well, I'm on good terms with my mom (something I never thought would happen!), she regularly checks in with me and offers help and advice with what I'm going through (again, never imagined it!), I'm managing full-time in a team-environment and getting to help people develop work habits I wish I had at a younger age, I'm taking care of my grandparents who unfortunately now are in very old age and need a hand (the same one who helped me through my struggles) and EVERY day they both tell me how much they love me. That's something so BIG I want to tell you something.
You, reading this... you. You are LOVED. You are VALUED. You are WONDERFUL. UNIQUE. It may seem corny, but I hope to be someone that can help in every way I can after what I've gone through. I didn't want to share too much, and still I ended up sharing quite a bit, but that's because I hope that after you've read this you can be more comfortable reaching out for help with this battle. So many people have gone through the fight... sometimes we don't look like it, but everyone has their battle wounds. And what I hope from the bottom of my heart is that you can realize that you have SO many allies, and we just want to help you as much as you want to be able to move forward from it.
My parents are extremely good parents, they supports me very well. They try so hard so that I come from depression as soon as possible. I trouble them too much and I feel guilty because at in young age I am not able to take care of my parents. I done my graduation and pursuing post graduation. This is not my achievement. It is their achievement. They were working so hard so that I was able to clear my graduation. Every parents have a dream to look their child successful. But in my case I am not doing anything which make them happy and satisfied. I know I am burden on my parents.
Why I am born in this family?? They are good people and they deserve happiness in their life. Because of me they are not living their life. My siblings and cousins are in good position, they make their parents happy. Why I am suffering from this unbearable pain??? Even I don't have enough strength for commit suicide. I am good for nothing. I DO NOT know what to do!!! I am feeling like worthless.
You love your family.
You are thankful for all of the things they've done for you.
You want to please them.
You want to take care of them.
You honor them in your story by pointing out how good they are.
Any family would be proud to have a daughter who treats them in this way. You may not feel like doing much work now, but you are still healing. Healing takes time. You can, however, follow the advice of Mother Theresa and do small things with great love.
You can hug your family and thank them for helping you. You can help someone with one of their chores. You can do one assignment for school. It only takes one tiny thing to make a huge difference in your day and change how you feel about yourself.
You don't feel like you are good for anything, but you are wrong. You are someone's daughter. You are someone's sister. You are someone's friend. You have talents and thoughts that no one else can share with the world. Only you can, because you are unique.
There is a good future with many blessings ahead of you. You have to stay strong and get through this tough time before you reach it. Stay strong, dear friend, and keep reaching for healing. Keep taking your medicine, and find someone to counsel and encourage you. Try to think of the positive things in your life. Healing will come. And it will feel so good when it does.