​I’m a girl
I’m 17 years old and a senior in high school
Everyone always says I’m so nice :D
Some people even say I’m happy :)

Well, let me tell you. 
All through elementary the bullies got the best of me :(
I changed schools

In eighth grade I thought I had a cool group of friends
One day they decided not to talk to me any more
And it never really made sense why.

After that I became unsocial
My freshman year of high school I was practically invisible
I use to let people copy my work, just so I would have people to talk to in class
I had 1 best friend and that’s all

My grades were o.k.
But I was sad all the time
I wanted to DIE
I hated GOING TO SCHOOL

Sophomore year was pretty much the same
They tried to put me in honors English but I dropped out
My grades weren’t as high as they were before
My mom always yelled at me about how I would never get into college

I always felt WORTHLESS

I went on a trip with a group of people my age from all different schools that summer
When I came back it felt easier to make friends
I started volunteering and my youth leader always talked about how good I was at doing things

I realized GRADES DON’T MAKE YOU, YOU DO (That’s confusing!)
Back at school I was the vice president of my choir
It felt like I talked to everyone
I had a good amount of friends
I got my driver’s license! :D

That year went great
This year I got a job
Things were going fine, I was a little stressed about colleges though
4 weeks ago I was coming home from work
A lady crashed into my car and rammed me off the road
I hate that woman so much

It’s hard to admit, but that was one of the scariest moments of my life
Just standing in the middle of the street not sure what to do
I was really tired and angry for awhile
I cried at night

Driving was the only thing I really had confidence in
I had never been afraid to drive
I felt better a few weeks later
My car is in the driveway but if I walk around it too much
And stare at the damage I still get really angry

Hearing the sound of her car hitting mine still makes me sick
The next day after the woman hit me
I got into college!
The school I wanted!

It was a dream come true!

​On the outside my life looks normal. I have 2 parents, 3 brothers and a sister. They seem to care for me. I’ve got good grades; I’m on the high school dance team.

When I take off the good girl mask you would be appalled with the ugliness that’s inside. You see when my parents went out to drink on the weekends my brother who was 9 years older than me would take me in the bathroom and sexually abuse me.  No 8 year old girls should have to know the things that I knew about.  He said if I told, he would badly hurt my younger brother.  So I never told.

This festered in me and created a girl who could put on so many masks and everyone thought my life was perfect. In high school and college I drank and used drugs to numb the pain. I did not believe I was worth caring for. In one breath I tried harder and harder to be perfect in the other mask, I was promiscuous, very flirty and looking for love in the wrong places.

After a hard night of drinking and drugs, I ended up doing things I was very ashamed of. I couldn’t take it anymore and swallowed several handfuls of pills thinking this would end my pain and let me rest in peace.

Thankfully some friends saved me and took me to the hospital to have my stomach pumped. Through this situation I was able to share with my family my earlier abuse. It has been a long road to recovery with medication, counseling, and family support. Please know your journey can end positively and you can be the amazing person you were created to be.

​Depression is not easy. Nor is it easy to talk about, especially when it’s about you. I am one of the millions of people in the world that suffers from depression. I was diagnosed with depression after my first attempt of suicide. I swallowed a bottle of Ibuprofen. This only made me sick, and weakened my liver. My mother wheeled me into the E.R and an older nurse stopped us and knelt down on her knee, held my hand, holding back tears she told me how young and beautiful I am. How I have so much life ahead of me and how there is nothing so large or small that is worth taking my life over. Every time suicide crosses my mind I remember her. I think of her as my Angel.

Instead of suicide I chose to deal with my depression by hanging around the wrong crowd of friends. I abused drugs, and put myself in harmful situations. After dealing with it for so long my parents only had one choice. The best thing they could have ever done for me. I lived with my grandparents in California away from my past. It never took away my depression but I definitely coped with it in a healthier way. I could go on and on with many mistakes and challenges I have experienced in my life but there is one memory that changed my life forever.

Haylee is my daughter. She was 1.5 years old. It kills me to admit this but when I look back I barely remember spending time with her. I spent most of my time trying to make my boyfriend happy. Selfish doesn’t even come close to describe me. I was worse.
It all started with a broken heart. My actions and thoughts grew colder as I remembered every time he hurt me. Every bruise, every scar, every nightmare, and every tear I wasted. I spent all my time trying to figure out what I did that would make him betray me.

“I am pregnant with your son!”  I screamed. “How could you cheat me, lie to me, steal from me, abandon me?”  I never received a straight answer. All that came from his mouth were nothing but careless words that only hurt me more. Without a care in the world, I slapped him, leaving nothing but an outline of my hand on his face.

Revenge was unfortunately something that didn’t cross my mind. But I didn’t think he’d go this far…he called the police and pressed charges against me. I was now being charged with Assault 4 Domestic Violence, hand-cuffed and thrown in the back of a cop car. “Wait, you have the wrong person! Can’t you see that I am the victim? I am the one he emotionally and physically abused!” I wanted so badly to scream those words. But I was speechless.

Starring at a rotted ceiling, lying on a mattress that I swear was just a rock with a sheet over it, I thought of my home, my nice warm bed, and my family. Remembering my mom and how she was always there for me when I was sick, or when I just needed a shoulder to cry on. My mom is what I needed the most. To hold me and tell me that this was just a bump in the road and it will all be over soon. I tried so hard not to cry. I dreamt of my daughter’s smile and her laugh. A waterfall of tears flooded my face. “Please God,  I just want my family again. I don’t want anything else. I just want to be with my family.”

I slowly traced my stomach outlining my unborn son. My body filled with fear, scared for my son’s life. I am a criminal. It’s possible his father could be granted full custody. I prayed with the last inch of hope and faith I had in me.

“God, please forgive me for my sinful actions. Give me the strength and wisdom to change and control my anger. Show me what you want me to do to keep my son safe. Help me be selfless and love him unconditionally. All my hope is in you. In Jesus’ name I pray, Amen.

My heart felt warm. I thought of my love for my son. How he deserves the best kind of love there is from a mommy and a daddy. After a couple days I was released and able to go home. I cried tears of joy when I saw daylight. I danced around my house, laughed with my dad and brothers, squeezed my mom so tight, I held my daughter and played with her for hours, ate all night long, and I slept soundly in my warm bed. To this day, I will never forget the little things I took for granted are what matters the most.

On August 13, 2010 I gave birth to my son and witnessed the beauty of life. I never thought I’d be strong enough to hand my son over to someone else. But after I gave birth to him I realized how powerful my love is for him. Love gave me the strength to be selfless and think of the life my son deserves. He was adopted by two loving parents. He is safe, happy, and has much more than I could have ever given him.

I may have suffered from a broken past, broken heart, and the grief of my son but I found strength and wisdom to overcome the hurt. I learned so much from the mistakes I have made. I will never repeat those mistakes. I realized how important it is to believe in me, and remember that there is nothing too large or too little to give up on myself. People like to judge me and think I lost for giving up my son or that I am weak. I use to care what they think but I know I did not lose. I gained. I gained something so powerful: The true meaning of love.

Dear Reader: I want you to know, I wrote this for you. Even when you hit rock bottom and truly believe that there is no hope. I promise there is, I’ve felt it, seen it, experienced it, and lived it. Everyone I know that has tried to or attempted suicide ended up with a second chance at life. With my second chance, after a hard road, I chose not to give up and it only made me stronger and wiser. Believe in yourself. You have a purpose and a place in this world. Grab a hold of that hope and never let go.