Lately social media feeds have been filled with pictures of happy people enjoying holiday fun. For some of us, scrolling through these pictures is a painful reminder that we are feeling everything but happy.  Seeing people happy when we are going through trauma is hard.  Incredibly hard.  

If you feel triggered over the holidays, it's okay to use the strategies you've learned to regroup.  Step away and breathe.  Listen to music. (We've put together a playlist on Spotify called Finding Hope, which you can access here.)  Journal away your stress or go for a walk. 

Another strategy you can try is sketching.  Now before you tell me you're not an artist, let me tell you a story.  It's a story about a guy who found a way to zone out and forget about the stress in his life.

I won't go into the story of what he was facing, but I will tell you that the trauma gave him an intense fear for his future.  Then one day he decided to grab a pen and some paper, and he began drawing what he saw directly in front of him.  It wasn't a perfect drawing, and he wasn't an artist.  

Everyday for ten minutes, he drew.  What he found was that it didn't matter what he drew — his lemon LaCroix, the chair, or even if his drawing was good— the experience calmed him down.  That slow, careful gaze helped him zone out his stress and notice and connect with the blessings in his life—the everyday things surrounding him.

When things get overwhelming, we can feel like we won't have peace until the situation is resolved or we can escape from it.  Fortunately, this isn't the case.  There are a number of things we can do to find calm in our storms. Here's hoping you will find a strategy that works for you this holiday season.

     Imagine you were home sick for a week and when you went back to school, your best friend didn't want to speak to you or hang out anymore.  Boom!  Just like that you've found yourself in the middle of friend drama, sitting alone at lunch and wondering what could have happened . 

     Does this sound familiar? I was describing something that happened to a friend of mine recently, but it's a tale as old as time. Most of us have stories about friend drama.  Drama seems to go with hormones, which is something all of us have.  Knowing this fact doesn't help the pain you feel in those situations, though, does it? I agree.  These situations are always awkward and painful. 

     I wish I could tell you there was one magic strategy for resolving the situation with your friend, but there isn't.  What works in one case may not work in another.  I will tell you this, however.  There is one thing that can make things much worse:  your words.

     What you say right now matters more than you think.  Hurtful words can live forever in people's minds.  Years later you are going to be able to recall all of the angry and terrible words spoken to you.  This is true for your friend, also.  Sometimes the memories of those words will bring up just as much pain as they did when they were first spoken. 

       If you truly want to be friends with this person and get things back to where they were, keep your words kind. Don't say things you will regret later on or will cause them pain long after you have spoken them.  Even if they  speak or text nasty things, don't return any of your own.  Yes, it's hard and it seems unfair, but it's the best way to show your friend that you are one.  

      Resolving issues can take time. While you are waiting, be kind to yourself, as well.  Speak positive things over yourself, and enjoy the other friends and family members who are encouraging you. Do things you love.  You'll get through this tough period. You will.  And if you both decide in the end that this friendship isn't worth saving, you can walk away guilt-free, knowing you did everything in your power to be there for them. 

     

     

Did you know that distraction is a great way to calm yourself in order to deal with stress?  Whenever I feel overwhelming stress, one of the first things I do is take a break and distract myself.  Usually this means putting in my earbuds and going for a walk.  

The music changes my mood, and the exercise relieves the tension from my body.  By the time I finish, my mind is able to refocus and I feel more capable of dealing with whatever the issue was that stressed me out. 

If you're feeling stressed, try to unwind for a while and see if it helps.  Take a break and do something you like (jogging, sketching, shooting baskets).  Turn on some great music - music that gives you hope and pumps you up, and then give your body time to calm down. Teens Finding Hope has added a station to Spotify if you are looking for some tunes.  (See Link Below.)  

Once you feel thoroughly distracted and refreshed, go back and see how you deal with things. You should find that calming yourself increases your ability to think and cope. If you're still felling stressed, then maybe it's time to reach out for advice. Remember, it's a sign of weakness to reach for help when facing large problems.  It's a sign of being resilient.  

Stay strong, friends.  Here is the link to our Spotify playlist, for those of you who have an account:

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Can I give you a piece of motherly advise?  The type of advise from someone who'd sacrifice everything for your well-being? Please view people you meet online as strangers, because they are — strangers.

Why am I telling you this? My family and I found ourselves in the middle of what felt like a bad movie. Even as I write this, I can't shake the surreal and anxious feelings that came with this particular circumstance.

Due to privacy, I won't share my family member's name, but I will tell you it involved a young teen and a very real need to feel connected after months of isolation. We thought that being holed up at home during the pandemic would ensure our teen's safety, but we were naive. This isolation allowed a stranger to enter our home and invade our sacred space.

Yes, he seemed innocent enough, coming over the technology with sweet talk and compliments, as strangers often will. He joked, played games, and empathized the way a friend would.  All of this attention made the teen feel wanted, appreciated, and warm inside. But those feelings didn't mean that the online person was a friend; they only meant that our teen was human.  This type of attention, regardless of where it's from, always feels great. Until it puts you in danger.

It wasn't long before this person over-stepped his bounds and showed his true colors, putting our teen at risk. It took us all by surprise.  Luckily, our family has a close relationship with one another and we were able to intervene. This time.  We're working hard to ensure there isn't a next time.

I'm not going to share all of the details because I want to come back to you, my friends. Believe the movies that show teens being persuaded to do dumb things by strangers online. You never think it's going to happen to you.  You think you'll be able to know if someone is scamming you or is intending to do you harm, but it's never that easy — not when strangers know how to make you feel safe and cared for. Not when strangers know how to pretend to be friends. 

They may be fun gaming partners.  They may be good flatterers.  They may even be the cutest entertainers you've ever seen.  But they remain strangers through all of it, or at best, acquaintances you know little about.

Since you can't always trust your instincts, make sure you tell family and friends about your acquaintances online. And if your family or friends have a bad instinct about them? Trust the people you know.  Hoping you stay safe out there, friends.

Seems all I do is wait anymore. Wait for test results that could shake my world.  Wait for financial provision.  Wait for paperwork.  Wait for the day I can live a "normal life" again - whatever that means. Waiting is hard. And through all of this waiting I cry out as many of you do.  When will this end?  What will happen if...?  How will I make it?

When these thoughts get too overwhelming, I go to a quiet place. There, away from the world, I give myself a pep talk. My anxious mind doesn't want to listen, but I tell it the truth I don't always feel in my heart. "It's normal to feel upset and anxious. Times are hard, but these times won't last forever.  I've been through trauma before, and I know that after each event there came a time of peace and happiness. I can do this.  I am strong."

I'd love to be able to tell you that this little time out makes me feel instantly at peace, but I can't.  It's just a step in the right direction. It helps me take my thoughts captive so they don't run amok. That's the first step.  I also set boundaries, have a little fun each day, reach out for connection, exercise, and do something kind for others. All of these things help my emotional health.

But the one thing that helps me the most is prayer. It brings me the most peace, and it's something I can't explain to you adequately. If you want to stop reading now, you may. But if you're curious, I pray the same thing I'll pray over you now:

God give them all they need to get through the day — the strength to endure, a wisdom to make sound decisions,  the ability to discover joy in the chaos. Give them an overwhelming sense of peace, one that comforts them to the very depths of their being.  I pray today that as they read this, they will feel your presence in a tangible way and will discover the incredible love you have for them, a love so deep it can get them through their loneliest hours.  Today I pray hope over them, God, as they wait. As we all wait.  Together.

Someone once told me, "It's ok to grieve. Grieving is normal."

What do they know?

My heart is overwhelmed with emotions today. Facebook reminded me that exactly one year ago my grandpa passed away.

Thanks Facebook.

My grandpa died of Alzheimers disease. It's a really hideous disease.

I wont go on about every single detail of his passing but I will share with you something I experienced during and after.

I had just gotten off work when I was told he only had a few days left to live. It was a long time coming, however, it felt so sudden. My family and I immediately put our lives on hold and fastened our seat-belts for a long road trip to California.

When we arrived, I promptly searched for grandpa. My eyes met his. He looked frail, malnourished, and withered, although, I recognized him. I found him curled up in a hospital bed in his living room where his recliner usually sits. I gently touched his hand and whispered "I love you grandpa" in hopes that somehow wherever life takes us when we pass, he will always remember how much he is loved. I saw that he recognized me but he didn’t remember my name. That was hard. But he still knew that I was someone, someone special to him.

There was a good handful of us family members that spent every waking and sleeping hours supporting each other and caring for grandpa. During these days, we reminisced on old memories, laughed, cried, sang, prayed and most importantly, put aside anything that may have caused conflict in the past.

This was the first death in my family and I felt afraid for how his death would effect everyone. A death in the family is scary and hard to imagine how life can go on without this special person that meant so much to so many people.
After he passed, I drove 11.5 hours home by myself. I spent lots of time collecting thoughts on how I wish I had more time with grandpa and if I had the choice, I would live close to all of my family. One thing I am certain is the love we had for grandpa brought us together and shed light on what family really means.

As life goes on, I’ve gone back and forth with feelings of being ok and then feeling sadness and grief over grandpa. I don’t think anyone ever “gets over” grief over the  loss of a loved one, but I do know that everyone can keep putting one foot forward everyday. Maybe this is what people mean when they say, “It’s ok to grieve. Grieving is normal.”
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I can’t forget the suffering my grandpa went through before his passing, but I certainly don’t remember him by that. When I think of my grandpa I always remember his loud deep singing voice and his silly high pitched giggle. I am just happy to have this memory and that I feel like I can still hear it when I imagine it. Even that’s motivation to keep moving forward. I will forever miss you grandpa and I will forever smile in your memory. 

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When my sister was critically injured in a high speed car accident, I didn't think things could get any worse.  I held her hand in the ICU on our first Father's Day without our dad, and I thanked God for saving her life.  I wasn't prepared for old family wounds to resurface and inflict their pain...but resurface they did.

I won't go into detail, but I will tell you what I've learned from watching my family and others.  Families tend to orbit around one another.  Sometimes they take turns orbiting around each member.  Sometimes they just orbit around one family member.

Families that orbit around one family member tend to orbit around their "favored" member or their "problem" member. In each instance, they can be so focused on the one who's pulled them in, they are unaware of what's happening with the others outside of their immediate concern.

If you feel as if you are standing outside of your family's circle, my heart goes out to you. Please realize you are just as worthy of their attention and love as the family member they are focused on, but they may not be able to show it to you.  Let go of that expectation.  The gravitational pull of the situation may be too strong to expect a break in family patterns.  Family attention and approval does not make you more worthy.  You are worthy from being the person God created you to be.

Be that person.  Forgive your family for their humanness and set boundaries if you need to do so.  Then go live.  Love on others the best way you can and forgive yourself if you get pulled into an orbit of your own.  Life is too fragile and short to hold grudges against others and ourselves.    Go do.  Go be.  ​Go live.

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After months of researching bullying and trying to write a story for the victims, I've come to a firm realization:  You have a better chance of getting through life if you have a tribe of people who support you. 

Life can be downright messy at times, and we're all going to have those days--

Days where our hearts will be hurt by people we care about.
Days we don't think we have the energy to face.
Days that feel as if we've been dragged through the streets behind a large truck.

During those times we need to reach out and talk to people.  We need to find people who will speak words of life and hope into our mess.  This is the crucial part.

It's easy to find people who will commiserate with us—grumble and complain whenever we need someone to join us in our  misery.  It's much harder to find people who will support us in our healing. If you have someone in your life who speaks truth and encouragement over you, hold onto them.  Be open to them. Listen to them.

I don't know where I'd be without my tribe.  Whenever I'm having "a day," these ladies are a text away.  Their words bring comfort and help.  I've learned from their advice, and I've cherished their visits to support me.  I'm the woman I am today because of the love they've poured into my life.

That's what tribes do—they pour into our lives and help us become stronger.  ​

A good friend told me that female elephants circle around other elephants when they need support. The elephants will gather around their friend and then turn their bodies so their tusks face outward. Creating a circle, they will make an impenetrable wall that provides support and protection for their vulnerable friend.

All of us need a circle of friends who gather around us when we're vulnerable. Will you be that person for someone else? Will you create a circle around your friend and help them be brave when their world becomes a threatening place? Will you be brave and advocate for your friend? On the flip side, when you're feeling vulnerable, will you speak of your distress so your friends can create a circle around you? Will you let them fight for you and encourage you?

It's time we redefined what bravery looks like.  Being brave should not be an individual endeavor.  Being brave should come from being in a community.  It should come from people stopping to link their arms in ours and help us to the finish line. It should come from friends surrounding us when we're hurting. 

Instead of surviving life alone, let's start circling around one another. It's easier to navigate life when we have people around to help us. Let's be brave together.

No one can fully understand what grieving is until they’ve been through it themselves. I’ve grieved before, not because of a death of an immediate family member, but over the loss of my child that I adopted out.

I grieved for months, and even though I finally came to an acceptance, every once in a while I replay that very last day in the hospital with him when he was considered mine. He's turning six this summer.  

I've read that when there is a close attachment to the person who died, the feelings of loss and yearning may never entirely fade (Worden, 2009).  In other words, we don't really recover from our loss, but we learn to live with it.

I guess what I've learned is that grief doesn't have to be dealt with alone. Support from family members and friends can be nourishing and soothing to our hearts. Inspiring Doctor Nancy Berns once said, "Immersing ourselves in grief long enough to discover that we can float gives us more freedom to feel the joy and love that remain. And in both grief and water, it is best not to do it alone."