Someone once told me, "It's ok to grieve. Grieving is normal."

What do they know?

My heart is overwhelmed with emotions today. Facebook reminded me that exactly one year ago my grandpa passed away.

Thanks Facebook.

My grandpa died of Alzheimers disease. It's a really hideous disease.

I wont go on about every single detail of his passing but I will share with you something I experienced during and after.

I had just gotten off work when I was told he only had a few days left to live. It was a long time coming, however, it felt so sudden. My family and I immediately put our lives on hold and fastened our seat-belts for a long road trip to California.

When we arrived, I promptly searched for grandpa. My eyes met his. He looked frail, malnourished, and withered, although, I recognized him. I found him curled up in a hospital bed in his living room where his recliner usually sits. I gently touched his hand and whispered "I love you grandpa" in hopes that somehow wherever life takes us when we pass, he will always remember how much he is loved. I saw that he recognized me but he didn’t remember my name. That was hard. But he still knew that I was someone, someone special to him.

There was a good handful of us family members that spent every waking and sleeping hours supporting each other and caring for grandpa. During these days, we reminisced on old memories, laughed, cried, sang, prayed and most importantly, put aside anything that may have caused conflict in the past.

This was the first death in my family and I felt afraid for how his death would effect everyone. A death in the family is scary and hard to imagine how life can go on without this special person that meant so much to so many people.
After he passed, I drove 11.5 hours home by myself. I spent lots of time collecting thoughts on how I wish I had more time with grandpa and if I had the choice, I would live close to all of my family. One thing I am certain is the love we had for grandpa brought us together and shed light on what family really means.

As life goes on, I’ve gone back and forth with feelings of being ok and then feeling sadness and grief over grandpa. I don’t think anyone ever “gets over” grief over the  loss of a loved one, but I do know that everyone can keep putting one foot forward everyday. Maybe this is what people mean when they say, “It’s ok to grieve. Grieving is normal.”
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I can’t forget the suffering my grandpa went through before his passing, but I certainly don’t remember him by that. When I think of my grandpa I always remember his loud deep singing voice and his silly high pitched giggle. I am just happy to have this memory and that I feel like I can still hear it when I imagine it. Even that’s motivation to keep moving forward. I will forever miss you grandpa and I will forever smile in your memory. 

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Some days will be hard.  You'll be angry, scared, anxious and lonely.  You'll wonder if you'll ever be happy.  If you'll ever be loved.  If you'll ever be worthy.

Then good days will come, and you'll forget about those worries. Life will feel good. You'll have small successes, and you'll feel happy.  

And you know what?  That's okay.  It's how life rolls with it's mixture of pain and pleasure.  We are all a work in progress, trying our best to navigate the waves life sends us...trying our best to figure out who we are.  

Your roller coaster of emotions doesn't make you different or alone—they make you human. They make you just like the rest of us.

Keep being strong.  Keep being brave.  Keep pushing forward.  But most of all, keep believing.

No one can fully understand what grieving is until they’ve been through it themselves. I’ve grieved before, not because of a death of an immediate family member, but over the loss of my child that I adopted out.

I grieved for months, and even though I finally came to an acceptance, every once in a while I replay that very last day in the hospital with him when he was considered mine. He's turning six this summer.  

I've read that when there is a close attachment to the person who died, the feelings of loss and yearning may never entirely fade (Worden, 2009).  In other words, we don't really recover from our loss, but we learn to live with it.

I guess what I've learned is that grief doesn't have to be dealt with alone. Support from family members and friends can be nourishing and soothing to our hearts. Inspiring Doctor Nancy Berns once said, "Immersing ourselves in grief long enough to discover that we can float gives us more freedom to feel the joy and love that remain. And in both grief and water, it is best not to do it alone."

​I am deeply grieved over the number of families sitting down this week and facing empty chairs at their dinner tables. My heart breaks each time I think about my black friends encountering a police officer and fearing for their lives. It shouldn't be this way. Likewise, my friends in law enforcement shouldn't fear retaliation for the mistake of another.

Images of hurting people flash across my screen, reminding me daily that people are being murdered for their race, persecuted for their religion, and mistreated for their gender. As I watch these streaming images, a common thread begins to emerge: every wound is bleeding red.

It's a stark reminder of our similarities.

Isn't it time we realize the enemy we fight is not each other? The sooner we acknowledge our enemy as hate, the sooner we'll be able to listen to each other and understand. The sooner we'll be able to heal. The sooner we'll live in a world where people are cared for and honored because they are human. 

Will you join us?  Will you begin fighting for each other instead of against one another? Will you seek to help those who are not like you?  Will you be part of the change? 

​Have you ever walked behind someone at the grocery store or sat behind someone’s car and wondered why they aren’t walking or driving?  They seem far away or not all there.  This has been me the last 34 days. 

That’s how long it’s been since anyone has seen my teenage son. 

He chose to disappear with no goodbye, no letter, no phone call. We’re not sure why.  Just phone suspended, bathroom cleaned out and vehicle gone. He chose to leave his business and over 200 clients behind. He left behind parents and siblings who love him. Police can’t help as he is an adult and chose to leave—no foul play found. 

The hardest thing is to not know if he is safe. 

My other question is why? Why would he leave people who love him and would help him if he needed anything?  What pulled him away?
 
While at work, our family puts on a brave face…a smile at times, trying hard to get our job done. Closing the door to our office when the tears overwhelm us, just to open the door with a smile on our face when the next task has to get done. We have to keep moving forward step by step, day by day. 

But sometimes it’s too hard to move. Sometimes the smile can’t hide our sadness. 

​This is a shout out to other parents or siblings out there missing their son/daughter or brother/sister. We are sorry for your hurt. We are sorry that sometimes the sadness overwhelms you. We hope your special someone comes home safely and your family can heal. 
 
Please reach out for help if you need it. You don't have to go through this hurt alone. 
Thinking and praying for you.

My school is selling flowers for Valentine's Day.

Excuse me while I go breathe into a bag.

Seriously, this issue brings bad memories for me.  I remember sitting in class, wondering if I'd receive a flower, and agonizing over the thought that I wouldn't.

What if I'm the only one who doesn't receive one?
How embarrassing.
Everyone will know I'm not loved.

It was a stressful situation, and not just for me.  I remember girls purchasing flowers for themselves, hoping to show others that they were lovable. I sigh when I remember those young girls, and think to myself, "If only."

If only I could go back in time and send a message to my younger self, as well as the other teens who were agonizing beside me. I'd write a note on beautiful stationary, delivering it on the same day the flowers were being delivered.  It would say something like this:

Dear friend,

You don't need a flower to prove you are lovable.  You are.  You already are. You have a beautiful future ahead of you, one filled with people who will absolutely adore you. There'll be love and laughter...hugs and flowers...and a heart that is full and happy.  Don't listen to those negative thoughts swirling in your mind right now.  Great things are right around the corner for you.  So, enjoy your day, enjoy your friends, and keep chasing those dreams.  Your story is just beginning, my friend.  Just beginning.

Happy Valentine's Day.

Fairytale endings.

Isn't that what every girl hopes for?  You meet a guy and....click! Everything works.  He's fun.  He's attentive.  He's considerate.  He tells you he loves everything about you.

Until one day he doesn't.

In one awful moment, your fairytale ending gets shattered in as many pieces as your heart.  The broken shards pierce and hurt.