Lately social media feeds have been filled with pictures of happy people enjoying holiday fun. For some of us, scrolling through these pictures is a painful reminder that we are feeling everything but happy.  Seeing people happy when we are going through trauma is hard.  Incredibly hard.  

If you feel triggered over the holidays, it's okay to use the strategies you've learned to regroup.  Step away and breathe.  Listen to music. (We've put together a playlist on Spotify called Finding Hope, which you can access here.)  Journal away your stress or go for a walk. 

Another strategy you can try is sketching.  Now before you tell me you're not an artist, let me tell you a story.  It's a story about a guy who found a way to zone out and forget about the stress in his life.

I won't go into the story of what he was facing, but I will tell you that the trauma gave him an intense fear for his future.  Then one day he decided to grab a pen and some paper, and he began drawing what he saw directly in front of him.  It wasn't a perfect drawing, and he wasn't an artist.  

Everyday for ten minutes, he drew.  What he found was that it didn't matter what he drew — his lemon LaCroix, the chair, or even if his drawing was good— the experience calmed him down.  That slow, careful gaze helped him zone out his stress and notice and connect with the blessings in his life—the everyday things surrounding him.

When things get overwhelming, we can feel like we won't have peace until the situation is resolved or we can escape from it.  Fortunately, this isn't the case.  There are a number of things we can do to find calm in our storms. Here's hoping you will find a strategy that works for you this holiday season.

Did you know that distraction is a great way to calm yourself in order to deal with stress?  Whenever I feel overwhelming stress, one of the first things I do is take a break and distract myself.  Usually this means putting in my earbuds and going for a walk.  

The music changes my mood, and the exercise relieves the tension from my body.  By the time I finish, my mind is able to refocus and I feel more capable of dealing with whatever the issue was that stressed me out. 

If you're feeling stressed, try to unwind for a while and see if it helps.  Take a break and do something you like (jogging, sketching, shooting baskets).  Turn on some great music - music that gives you hope and pumps you up, and then give your body time to calm down. Teens Finding Hope has added a station to Spotify if you are looking for some tunes.  (See Link Below.)  

Once you feel thoroughly distracted and refreshed, go back and see how you deal with things. You should find that calming yourself increases your ability to think and cope. If you're still felling stressed, then maybe it's time to reach out for advice. Remember, it's a sign of weakness to reach for help when facing large problems.  It's a sign of being resilient.  

Stay strong, friends.  Here is the link to our Spotify playlist, for those of you who have an account:

​

The other day, my daughter pulled me aside and whispered out of embarrassment that her armpits smelled like onions. She pressed her small hands on each cheek and pulled them down as if she was trying to release her embarrassment through her exposed eyeballs. Then she released her inner reality: Mom, why do I smell like you? Am I a woman now? What is wrong with me? Is this it for me? Will I always smell like this? Do other people smell like this? Will people make fun of me? Will people still like me?

Immediately, I laughed out loud. Then realized my response was inappropriate. My child was no longer the little nugget running around without a care in the world, unaware of who saw her and what they thought. This realization was a sad moment for me.

I know what you’re thinking, body odor? Really? This may seem like a sliver of a problem, right? Who cares? That’s not the case for my preteen and probably for yours too. Our preteens are growing into young adolescents and these worries may seem small to us, but they are larger than life to them. Unfortunately, appearance and approval matter a great deal in today’s society. I hate that my beautiful, smart, funny, talented, daughter is worried about what people think of her. I wish I could protect her from all the icky parts of the world that I still hope she will never see but I can’t.

I imagine that most of you moms feel this way. So a few words of advice to the moms who are reading. Be present for your child and teen. Let them share their silly slivers of a problem. Let them spill their worries and concerns. Take their concerns seriously. This stage of life is hard. Change is hard. Growing up is hard.

A few other words of advice to the teens who are reading.  Find your person. Find that person you can trust to talk to about anything. Whether your “person” is your mom, guardian, caretaker, brother, sister, whomever. Know that your “person” loves you. Your person looks at you with rose colored glasses and sees all the best parts of you. Don’t ever stop talking to your person about your worries. It doesn’t matter how big or small they may seem. Because these worries will start to feel a little bit smaller if they aren’t hidden and tucked away. 

By Emily Krueger

     My friend recently said to me: “Every year, I say ‘next year will be a better year’ and I really believe it when I say it. But I can’t seem to voice the words this year. After all the tragic and awful things, I fear that this year will just roll into the next. It doesn’t feel over yet.”

     I couldn’t agree with her more. It doesn’t feel over yet. I hate to be the bearer of bad news but my friend is right. It isn’t over yet. As we enter a new year, the awfulness of 2020 can’t be stomped on or thrown away. For many of us, 2020 left scars that we’ll have to live with everyday. Truth be told, we will once again find ourselves standing on the frontlines of a new war, but who wins the battle depends on us.

     So here’s my proposal, instead of DEPENDING on what the new year will bring to us, how about we DEPEND on ourselves and what we bring to the new year. What kind of “weapons” can we bring with us as we enter 2021 in preparation of a new war?

    If you’ve been knocked down this year and got back up again, you’re carrying the weapon of resilience. How about self care? If you’re actively taking care of yourself, you’re claiming the weapon of value. Every single person has value. Take hold of that weapon. How about spiritual? Do you meditate? Have faith in a higher power? Then you’re carrying a weapon that no problem can fight against. Look out 2021!

     Who is standing alongside you in these battles? This is your backup team. Talk to them, let them in. Claim your weapons. Make amends with your weapons as you enter the new year. Prepare to fight. Stand tall. Don’t give up. No battle is too great for you and your weapons. You've got this.

With everything that is going on in our world—Corona Virus, Racial Injustice, Protests, people have a lot they are processing. 

I am wondering how I can truly understand the racial injustice piece.  You see I come from white privilege.  I was born into a middle-class white family.  I can’t apologize for that, but I need to understand that I have an unearned advantage.  I have what Peggy McIntosh, an associate director of the Wellesley College Center for Research on Women, refers to as “An Invisible Knapsack of White Privilege.” I have assets inside like code books, guidebooks and blank checks that unknowingly I have used all my life.  I grew up in a neighborhood with people like me-white. I never had to worry about the color of my skin.  I never worried about people following me around in a store, I didn’t worry that I wouldn’t be accepted in my neighborhood because of my skin color. If I did get pulled over by the police I got the benefit of doubt.  

All of this happened without me even thinking about it.  It is only in my later years did I realize all that I have in my life.  Honestly, some of this realization didn’t happen until we adopted 2 foreign born children who did not have our same skin color.  With one adoption we lived in a rural community in Montana and our child was the only Asian individual at their school.  I’m not saying I fully understood then, but it started opening my eyes to our world. 

I believed if I treated everyone equally and with love, I was doing my part.  But sometimes when we hesitate or do nothing, we are signaling silence to the hurting.  Just being cool with everyone doesn’t mean we are advocating for anyone.  I think that is what these latest protests are helping me realize.  I don’t think the blame, shame or guilt game is a way to deal with this. I think we need to decide what we are comfortable doing—or maybe even uncomfortable. For some of us attending protests is a way to support, for others making donations, others make posters and signs.  We need to Listen, Learn and Advocate.  

So I’m going to take off my lens of white privilege and do something positive.  Do you have a lens that you use to view people or the world?  I challenge you to reach out in understanding and love.  We can change the world, even one interaction at a time. 

Seems all I do is wait anymore. Wait for test results that could shake my world.  Wait for financial provision.  Wait for paperwork.  Wait for the day I can live a "normal life" again - whatever that means. Waiting is hard. And through all of this waiting I cry out as many of you do.  When will this end?  What will happen if...?  How will I make it?

When these thoughts get too overwhelming, I go to a quiet place. There, away from the world, I give myself a pep talk. My anxious mind doesn't want to listen, but I tell it the truth I don't always feel in my heart. "It's normal to feel upset and anxious. Times are hard, but these times won't last forever.  I've been through trauma before, and I know that after each event there came a time of peace and happiness. I can do this.  I am strong."

I'd love to be able to tell you that this little time out makes me feel instantly at peace, but I can't.  It's just a step in the right direction. It helps me take my thoughts captive so they don't run amok. That's the first step.  I also set boundaries, have a little fun each day, reach out for connection, exercise, and do something kind for others. All of these things help my emotional health.

But the one thing that helps me the most is prayer. It brings me the most peace, and it's something I can't explain to you adequately. If you want to stop reading now, you may. But if you're curious, I pray the same thing I'll pray over you now:

God give them all they need to get through the day — the strength to endure, a wisdom to make sound decisions,  the ability to discover joy in the chaos. Give them an overwhelming sense of peace, one that comforts them to the very depths of their being.  I pray today that as they read this, they will feel your presence in a tangible way and will discover the incredible love you have for them, a love so deep it can get them through their loneliest hours.  Today I pray hope over them, God, as they wait. As we all wait.  Together.

Cynthia Downing Finlay


I can’t sleep tonight. I keep getting the nudge to share this photo and my story with you.
Today was a hard day. Chaos. Frustrations. Tears.
I found myself crying in my parked car. Nowhere to go. Just needing to be alone for a minute and get it out. Our lives have been turned upside down, and everything looks different now. We are living in the unknown.
I find myself living in the pendulum of grief and gratitude. They are existing together and that metal ball is swinging so fast I don’t know who has the upper hand right now.
And I’m here to just acknowledge that. To share from both sides. To say that we all exist in a word of “and”.
I’m grieving and I’m grateful.
I’m blessed and this is hard.
I’m capable and overwhelmed.
All the emotions, all the hard and all the simple - exist together. We don’t live on one side or the other of that pendulum. And no matter where you find yourself swinging today, you are safe to acknowledge it.
What two emotions are currently co-existing in your pendulum?

I am from journals. 
From pages of dreams and scribbles of frustration.

I am from diagnoses on paper
(tangible proof of a hidden illness I desperately wish would heal.)

I am from pain and sleepless nights.
From pulling myself up by the boots and forging on.
(Despite the fatigue,
Despite the looks from those who couldn't possibly understand,
Despite the words from those who choose not to.)

I am from faith.
From choosing to be kind and choosing to be humble.

I am from a mind and a heart that believes
the best days of my life have not yet been realized.
(So I'm strengthened, 
and very, very grateful for another day and another opportunity
to live my best life.)

​I am from hope.



​https://www.freepik.com/free-photo/courage-man-jump-through-gap-hill-business-concept-idea_1151013.htm

What does depression feel like?
Feeling sad and not knowing why.
Empty
A weight in my chest
Feeling hopeless
Constantly tearful or irritable
Unsteady sleep and eating habits
Dark and overwhelming
Inconsistent
Like being in a hole and I have no way out
A heavy weight

​What does it mean to have bipolar disorder?
Sometimes exhausting
I like mania because I’m on top of the world
The depression piece that comes after the highs means I can’t make myself get out of bed
Your world changes in a minutes and irrational thoughts become your reality
 
What does anxiety look like?
Tense, stressful
Racing mind and thoughts
Feeling overwhelmed
My mind shuts down and I am uncontrollably crying
Crying
Rushed, insecure, unbalanced, unprepared
Shaking
Fluttering in my chest
Aching body

How do you quiet the negative thoughts or voices? Or If your mind doesn’t shut off, what do you do?
Redirect to preferred activities
Use tools like puzzles, rings spinners to help distract in the moment
Distraction
Listen closely to lyrics in music
Deep breathing
Counting
Take a walk
Breathe
Play some word games
Listen to music
Positive mantras and affirmations
Find a friend to talk to who helps me know what’s accurate
Turn the negative thoughts to positive thoughts like I suck at math to this was only one test.  I can learn
Music to help me through the emotions
Listen to podcast
Take a walk
I play my drums
Meditation
 
What do you do when you can’t sleep?
Progressive relaxation exercise
Count sheep
Music
Deep breathing or guided meditation
Cuddle my animals
Play music
Exercise
Slow down and try to watch something low key like discovery channel
Try to stop the negative voices
Listen to music