The other day, my daughter pulled me aside and whispered out of embarrassment that her armpits smelled like onions. She pressed her small hands on each cheek and pulled them down as if she was trying to release her embarrassment through her exposed eyeballs. Then she released her inner reality: Mom, why do I smell like you? Am I a woman now? What is wrong with me? Is this it for me? Will I always smell like this? Do other people smell like this? Will people make fun of me? Will people still like me?

Immediately, I laughed out loud. Then realized my response was inappropriate. My child was no longer the little nugget running around without a care in the world, unaware of who saw her and what they thought. This realization was a sad moment for me.

I know what you’re thinking, body odor? Really? This may seem like a sliver of a problem, right? Who cares? That’s not the case for my preteen and probably for yours too. Our preteens are growing into young adolescents and these worries may seem small to us, but they are larger than life to them. Unfortunately, appearance and approval matter a great deal in today’s society. I hate that my beautiful, smart, funny, talented, daughter is worried about what people think of her. I wish I could protect her from all the icky parts of the world that I still hope she will never see but I can’t.

I imagine that most of you moms feel this way. So a few words of advice to the moms who are reading. Be present for your child and teen. Let them share their silly slivers of a problem. Let them spill their worries and concerns. Take their concerns seriously. This stage of life is hard. Change is hard. Growing up is hard.

A few other words of advice to the teens who are reading.  Find your person. Find that person you can trust to talk to about anything. Whether your “person” is your mom, guardian, caretaker, brother, sister, whomever. Know that your “person” loves you. Your person looks at you with rose colored glasses and sees all the best parts of you. Don’t ever stop talking to your person about your worries. It doesn’t matter how big or small they may seem. Because these worries will start to feel a little bit smaller if they aren’t hidden and tucked away. 

I've been sitting for a while in pain, watching the people close to me deal with the devastating affects of adversity.  Some are reeling from the loss of their home — others from the death of  a friend or relative.  One is drowning in the pain of racism, and another is drowning in the pain of cancer (now stealing the sweet toddler from her arms.) 

I feel powerless knowing I can't take away their pain.  None of us can. That's one of the hard parts about life and love and family and friendship.

Perhaps you've been there, watching people you love hurting and wanting with all of your heart to switch places with them and make it better.  What do you do when you can't?  When life demands everyone walk through the mess it's handing them?

The only thing I've been able to figure out is to show up. A text. A call. A visit. A meal. A care package. A listening ear. Sometimes it feels like it's not enough, but according to the ones suffering, it's appreciated and makes them feel loved.  That's one of people's greatest needs — to be loved.  It's comforting to know that something I can do will meet a deep need, even if it can't change the situation.

With everything that is going on in our world—Corona Virus, Racial Injustice, Protests, people have a lot they are processing. 

I am wondering how I can truly understand the racial injustice piece.  You see I come from white privilege.  I was born into a middle-class white family.  I can’t apologize for that, but I need to understand that I have an unearned advantage.  I have what Peggy McIntosh, an associate director of the Wellesley College Center for Research on Women, refers to as “An Invisible Knapsack of White Privilege.” I have assets inside like code books, guidebooks and blank checks that unknowingly I have used all my life.  I grew up in a neighborhood with people like me-white. I never had to worry about the color of my skin.  I never worried about people following me around in a store, I didn’t worry that I wouldn’t be accepted in my neighborhood because of my skin color. If I did get pulled over by the police I got the benefit of doubt.  

All of this happened without me even thinking about it.  It is only in my later years did I realize all that I have in my life.  Honestly, some of this realization didn’t happen until we adopted 2 foreign born children who did not have our same skin color.  With one adoption we lived in a rural community in Montana and our child was the only Asian individual at their school.  I’m not saying I fully understood then, but it started opening my eyes to our world. 

I believed if I treated everyone equally and with love, I was doing my part.  But sometimes when we hesitate or do nothing, we are signaling silence to the hurting.  Just being cool with everyone doesn’t mean we are advocating for anyone.  I think that is what these latest protests are helping me realize.  I don’t think the blame, shame or guilt game is a way to deal with this. I think we need to decide what we are comfortable doing—or maybe even uncomfortable. For some of us attending protests is a way to support, for others making donations, others make posters and signs.  We need to Listen, Learn and Advocate.  

So I’m going to take off my lens of white privilege and do something positive.  Do you have a lens that you use to view people or the world?  I challenge you to reach out in understanding and love.  We can change the world, even one interaction at a time. 

Someone I love recently told me she was just taking up space. In a quiet, shaky voice she tried to convince me she had no real purpose in life because she wasn't contributing to her family or society in "any positive way."  Then I heard her whisper under her breath that we'd be better off without her.

She couldn't have been more wrong.  This person is a very important part of our family.  She's the first person we call when we're struggling, because we can count on her to listen and help.  She is selflessly generous with her resources and time, and she gives sound advice.  

This lady is incredibly valuable and "useful," but she can't see it right now. Depression has wrapped its hands around her heart and eyes, and she is blind to the truth.  This is how depression deceives.  It takes negative feelings and weaves them into our thoughts, trying to convince us that these thoughts are reflecting facts instead of emotions.  Just plain, negative emotion.

Emotions can be overwhelming.  They can crash over us like waves, sometimes catching us off-guard with their power. The dark ones are the worst, making us feel as if we're drowning because we're suffering negative thoughts repeatedly.  

My loved one is drowning in emotion right now.  She is lost in a deep depression, and I am desperately trying to pull her out of this deep, dark place so she can breathe the air of hope again. How am I doing this?  By loving her.  By surrounding her with continuous words of affirmation, even when she dismisses them.  By confirming her worthiness. By telling her she is loved. By pointing out the truth. By listening. By calling her daily and sending her notes and texts to remind her how valuable she is to me. By asking how she's doing, if she's taken her medicine, if she's talked with her doctor.  I help by being there.  

There are so many stories where one sole person made a difference.  I want to be that person for my loved one.  She's my mom.  Her life is incredibly valuable to me.  What things do you do to help the valued people in your life when they're struggling?

What does depression feel like?
Feeling sad and not knowing why.
Empty
A weight in my chest
Feeling hopeless
Constantly tearful or irritable
Unsteady sleep and eating habits
Dark and overwhelming
Inconsistent
Like being in a hole and I have no way out
A heavy weight

​What does it mean to have bipolar disorder?
Sometimes exhausting
I like mania because I’m on top of the world
The depression piece that comes after the highs means I can’t make myself get out of bed
Your world changes in a minutes and irrational thoughts become your reality
 
What does anxiety look like?
Tense, stressful
Racing mind and thoughts
Feeling overwhelmed
My mind shuts down and I am uncontrollably crying
Crying
Rushed, insecure, unbalanced, unprepared
Shaking
Fluttering in my chest
Aching body

How do you quiet the negative thoughts or voices? Or If your mind doesn’t shut off, what do you do?
Redirect to preferred activities
Use tools like puzzles, rings spinners to help distract in the moment
Distraction
Listen closely to lyrics in music
Deep breathing
Counting
Take a walk
Breathe
Play some word games
Listen to music
Positive mantras and affirmations
Find a friend to talk to who helps me know what’s accurate
Turn the negative thoughts to positive thoughts like I suck at math to this was only one test.  I can learn
Music to help me through the emotions
Listen to podcast
Take a walk
I play my drums
Meditation
 
What do you do when you can’t sleep?
Progressive relaxation exercise
Count sheep
Music
Deep breathing or guided meditation
Cuddle my animals
Play music
Exercise
Slow down and try to watch something low key like discovery channel
Try to stop the negative voices
Listen to music
 
 

 

 

I heard a story yesterday that made me proud of you.  After hearing a health discussion on the topic of suicide, a boy confessed to his friend that he had tried committing suicide twice in the past.  The friend, after arriving home later that day, proceeded to tell his mother.  "I know from our health discussion I need to tell a trusted adult," he explained, "so that's what I'm doing."  

His mom nodded, and then this young man did something great.  He checked to make sure his mother was going to do something.  "You're going to do something, right?" he inquired,  "I need to make sure; because if you aren't, I'm going to find someone else." His mom assured him she would talk to the school counselor the next day.  When she warned him of a possible fallout with his friend, he said, "That's okay, because the option of not doing anything would have a worse ending."

At school the next day, this friend was confronted by the depressed teen who asked if he was the one who had told.  The friend shook his head yes.  Then the hurting teen said it was okay.  "It's for the best," he said, "I think it's going to help me."  

It may feel awkward, but finding support for your friend is one of the most heroic, kind things you can do.  And accepting that help is one of the bravest.  Bravo to these two boys and all the rest of you who are reaching out and supporting one another.  You make us proud. 

We find ourselves together,
Each one bearing the scars from our battles.

Wounded warriors

—Who refuse to give up.
—Who face our fears bravely and lend our strength when someone needs it.

We turn with open arms to those who are hurting and say,
"You are welcome here."
For we know the beauty in a person is found deep beneath their surface.

We listen when you vent
    laugh when you joke
    comfort when you cry
    and walk a mile in your shoes every day if it means it will help you

We've learned the pain of carrying secrets in our wounds is no match
for the hope we can find in the acceptance from another

​So we reach out to one another--
in coffee shops and hallways,
neighborhoods and blog posts,
bravely baring our souls and telling our stories

For we are warriors
Comforters
Menders
Friends

Who know the bravest thing we can do
is open our weaknesses to the scrutiny of another so all can find healing.

We come without judgement.
We come with our scars.
We come as we are.
​
"You are welcome here."

How are you?
 
Today must be hard.
I’m here for you.
 
Thinking of you.
 
I know things have been tough.
Don’t give up.
 
Remember, you are never alone.
I’m just a text away.
 
Better things are coming.
Hang in there.
 
The world may say, “Give up,”
but I say, “Try it one more time.”
 
I hope you realize how awesome you are.
 
Today is a new day. Let's seize it.

You can't stop the waves, but you can learn how to surf.

Remember: You are one of a kind and have
something great to offer.
 
Breathe.  It’s just a bad day, not a bad life.
 
Quote for the day: One small crack doesn’t mean you're broken. 
It means you didn’t fall apart.
 
Push through this. It’ll be worth it.
 
 You've got this.

If you need anything, I'm here.

You can always talk to me.  

May the force be with you, my friend.

I can't imagine my life without you!

You know what I love about you? 
I love...

Want to hang out?

​Three things:
You are not alone.
You are not weak.
You are worthy.

What a great day to overcome!

Your struggle is real, and so is your hope.

Another day to breathe.  Another day to heal.

Good morning, beautiful. Get ready for a great day.

Together, friend, we can do this.

Praying that you would be filled with strength and
peace today.

Note:  You are awesome just the way you are.

Life's problems wouldn't be called hurdles if there
weren't a way to get over them.

Believe you can and you're halfway there. --Theodore Roosevelt

Keep on swimming, swimming, swimming....

Don't worry your pretty, little mind.
People throw rocks at things that shine.

The best view comes after the hardest climb.

I've failed over and over and over again in life, and that
is why I succeed. - Michael Jordan

Believe in yourself just as you are.  Know that
there is something inside you that is greater than
any obstacle. - Christian D. Larson

​I am deeply grieved over the number of families sitting down this week and facing empty chairs at their dinner tables. My heart breaks each time I think about my black friends encountering a police officer and fearing for their lives. It shouldn't be this way. Likewise, my friends in law enforcement shouldn't fear retaliation for the mistake of another.

Images of hurting people flash across my screen, reminding me daily that people are being murdered for their race, persecuted for their religion, and mistreated for their gender. As I watch these streaming images, a common thread begins to emerge: every wound is bleeding red.

It's a stark reminder of our similarities.

Isn't it time we realize the enemy we fight is not each other? The sooner we acknowledge our enemy as hate, the sooner we'll be able to listen to each other and understand. The sooner we'll be able to heal. The sooner we'll live in a world where people are cared for and honored because they are human. 

Will you join us?  Will you begin fighting for each other instead of against one another? Will you seek to help those who are not like you?  Will you be part of the change? 

Life can take unexpected turns.

Parents die.  Relationships fail.  We flunk important tests or don't make the team.

It can be hard when life throws us curveballs. After some of these unexpected curveballs this week, I find myself tired... tired to the depths of my bones from all of the emotions.  They've been bouncing me around like a ping pong ball, jostling me between hope and sadness; courage and humiliation; determination and failure. To be honest, I wish I could go to bed and stay there a month, sleeping and regaining some composure.

But I hear a soft, little voice reminding me that each step of my journey will bring new things:  new opportunities, new decisions, and new challenges. 

"With each step you'll get braver," it says.

"But what if I don't have the courage to take another step?" I reply.   

 And that's where I'm at, thinking and wondering about strategies I can use to get me through the week.  And here's what I've decided:

1. I'll surround myself with friends, friends who can speak wisdom into my life. And I'll listen to them.
2. I'll believe I am worthy and loved no matter what, and I'll remember those words when I'm beginning to feel rejected. When something I do fails.  I'll remind myself that what I DO is not ME.  I am not the failure.
3. I'll get out of my comfort zone and face the challenges,  even though I know I may "blow it."  And if I do make a mistake, I'll pray God will help me learn from it and give me all I need to turn the challenge around.  He's good about things like that.

As I sit here, I wonder:  Do any of you have a good way to deal with the onslaught of challenges?  I'd love to hear about it.